Being Jesus in Gaspe

Uganda Trip - Will You Pray?

2011-08-05T13:01:00.000-04:00

I'm doing my laundry today. It means the time is coming closer to my having to put it all in a bag and jump in a 20 hour plane ride, after a 12 hour car ride. Why do I always go so far?

Seriously though, I am very excited about going to Uganda and feel like this is specifically in the plan of the Lord for my life. Not only am I looking forward to invest in the life of the people there, but I am looking forward to having the time to just journal my thoughts, put my life into perspective and renew my passion for the calling of God on my life.

I'll be honest with you, short term mission trips are never about what we can offer to where we go, but they are mostly about what we can get out of it. Sure, we serve and help in some way, but if we really wanted to support missions we should give the long term missionaries the funds they need to do their ministry instead of spending the money on ourselves going to where they are for two weeks. So, I'm not lying about this. I know this trip is about me, mostly.

I think I need to be there to hear what God wants to tell me. Does that sound crazy? Probably to some of you, but to me it sounds just about right. You kind of need to know what is going on inside of my head to understand. But, good look with that one.

So anyway, the purpose of this post is to ask you to pray for me. I need people who will be supporting me in prayer as I go through these next few weeks. As I seek to know God's will, as I work alongside people who give everything they have to serve the Lord, as I learn from Joy and work with the students.

I need you to pray:

for safety and protection as I travel to and from the country on August 9th to the 11th and the 25th to the 27th.
for my health to support the travel, the changes in environment and the stress that's associated with it.
for God to renew my passion and vision for his work
for wisdom and guidance of the people I will be working with as they plan the next few weeks of training for these students (Joy Johnston, and the leaders of the Assemblies Of God of Uganda)
for the students who will be going through the training and those coming to learn how to be church planter trainers.

It would be great, if you plan on taking some time to pray for me every day that you would either email me (rebeccapaavola@gmail.com) or leave a comment here. Then I can send you specific requests during the trip if ever I can.

I leave you with a video of a song that's been on my heart lately. This might not be so, but I pray that it might be.

Uganda Mission Trip

2011-08-01T15:00:00.001-04:00

Dear friends,

A week ago I was presented with the opportunity to spend two weeks in Uganda with missionary Joy Johnston. If you know me at all, you know that when there is possibility of an adventure, it’s difficult for me to say no; especially when this adventure involves building the church of God in the world.

I wanted to take a moment to inform you about this new adventure and ask you to partner with me as I continue to do the work God has called me to, from Gaspé to Uganda.

During this trip, I will be working alongside missionary Joy Johnston, who focuses on training pastors to build churches in unreached regions of Africa. I just did an interview about what the main focus of our trip will be for our district website. You can listen to it here: http://www.dqpaoc.org/spip.php?article2251.

Pastor Rebecca Paavola direct from Camp Escuminac from dq_paoc on Vimeo.

One of the main problems in Africa is the lack of education offered to people who take on positions of authority. When power is abused it can create terrible situations, and this is even worse when it is done in the name of God. One of my prayers is that we would not only try to change daily situations, but that we would try to change the circumstances behind the difficult situations in order to see long term change. Offering leadership training is one of the ways we can accomplish this.

Joining Joy in her upcoming trip, will be a way for me to learn how I might be involved one day in this long term change and help build pastors who will be transforming the lives of people with the power of the Gospel of Christ everywhere around the world. Not only overseas, but also all around us. Abuse of power, especially within the church, has been one of the main causes of dissention towards the church in places like Quebec today.

In partnering with the Pentecostal Assemblies of God in Uganda, we are equipping Ugandan pastors to be better equipped to reach their continent and see them be raised up as leaders who are reflective of Christ within their own context. This will be done by building churches who are cross-culturally relevant, built on a solid Biblical foundation, and reflective of the servants heart of God through involvement in their communities.

To help me in this endeavour, you can pray for God’s guidance, protection and providence as I travel to Uganda from August 10^th to 25^th. You can also make donations which will be used solely for the expenses of the trip; which amount to about $3,000. Donations can be made to me personally by mailing a cheque to 25 MGR Ross, Gaspé QC, G4X 1L7. Any donations received after the trip will be used to reimburse expenses related to the trip.

To receive a charitable donation receipt for income tax purposes, please make cheques payable to «Pentecostal Christian Assembly» and add a note saying it is for «Pastor’s Mission Trip». A receipt will be sent to you at the end of the year.

I thank you for joining me in this work and I pray God’s blessings will come upon you for it!

Sincerely,

For more information, contact me at rebeccapaavola@gmail.com

What is important in church for you?

2011-03-10T11:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I saw a blog post by Vicky Beeching where she asked a few questions to her readers. You can read the post here: http://vickybeeching.com/blog/church-what-on-earth-is-it/ She asks,

WHAT IS CHURCH SUPPOSED TO BE? WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU ABOUT HOW CHURCH LOOKS, FEELS, OPERATES?

I really started thinking about this. I have been trying to figure out what is truly important about church for a while. What has meaning to it and what doesn't? Why do we do the things we do? Is it simply because that's the way we've always done it or is it because we truly find it fulfilling the purpose God has for His church?

So, I ask you these questions. Maybe you can help me figure this out and see what is truly important about church for you?

I answered her question this way:

I was thinking about this for a while yesterday and I came up with the idea of communion. I was looking for the one thing in church that does exactly what the church is supposed to do. Bring us closer together as the Body of Christ, keeps Christ in the center of what we do, and helps me grow in maturity. Communion is the one thing which, when observed properly, fills all of these.

I think it doesn't matter what else happens in a service in terms of traditionalism or contemporary worship experiences, communion brings us back to the proper focus. It crosses most denominational boundaries and is always centered upon the Word of God.

I really wish the church would teach more on communion and that instead of it being a ritual in churches it would always keep it's true meaning.

What do you think is truly important in church and why?

Being a Woman Pastor

2011-03-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in way too long, simply because I have felt like I have nothing very interesting to share compared to everything else written out there. But, I don't write so that people read. I write to clear my head. And right now my head is so full I can hardly focus on anything. So, maybe I need to write.

I have been falling on websites almost every day lately that have really annoyed me. Being very honest, I'm not the kind of woman who usually fells disturbed or offended by someone telling me that I'm weaker than a man. That man and woman have different roles. Or that a wife should submit to her husband. I have actually found myself fighting for those kind of things. But, this is different.

If you haven't figured it out yet, what I have seen over and over again in the last few weeks is the putting down of woman in ministry. Things like the church needing more "man" pastors. Or that a woman can be involved in a church but she shouldn't be preaching or the main leader of the church. Even telling me that the Bible is clear that a woman shouldn't be speaking in church, never mind the senior pastor. Nothing has happened to me personally in the last little bit to bring this up other than these website. But, I'm just being seriously annoyed by it.

As I said, I usually just ignore those things and move on with my life as if it hadn't happened. Because it's never going to change. But, I'm tired of it lately. I'm tired of being constantly said that I am not doing the will of God. That a man would do a better job at this than me. That God is against my position in ministry.

It hurts, that I put so much energy into this. That I poor out my heart and soul, literally, for my church. And yet people still believe what I'm doing is against the will of God. It hurts, that I see people coming to the Lord, people being discipled and grow in spiritual maturity, yet I am not doing the will of God.

It confuses me that I see fruit, good fruit, coming out of my life an ministry, but it's not what the Lord has commanded for His church. Does it make any sense to you?

I'm not looking for anyone to approve of what I do. The fruit of my labor and the people being saved and changed is enough for me to know God is for what I am doing. But, why do I have to fight with people supposedly fighting the same cause as me to prove I can do what I am doing? Why would God bless me and my ministry if he didn't approve of it?

I could go into the importance of interpreting those passages they use against the role of woman in the church in proper context both culturally and historically. I could go into debating that from the beginning God created Adam and Eve as equals. And I firmly believe that the Bible says nothing about my role in the church being wrong based on those and other parts of Scripture.

I also believe that God has blessed the ministry of women throughout history so much so that it should be impossible for someone to say that it is against God's will for women to be involved in the leadership of the church.

So, why is it that so many people seem to be undermining the role of woman in the church? Why do I have to fight to determine what I can and cannot do simply because I have boobs.

I know that God always vindicates His Word. And the fruit in my life is enough to show me that He is with me. So, why do you believe otherwise?

Surgery Recuperating

2011-02-21T12:47:00.000-05:00

(This is a boring update on my two weeks of recovery from surgery. Nothing very interesting going on here.)

The last two weeks have been not quite what I expected them to be. I thought that after the surgery it would take me about two or three days to recuperate and then I would be able to catch up on life while still resting. Do some reading, writing, organize paper work that hasn't been done in way too long, send out my thank you cards from the wedding. It would a restful, recupperating, productive two weeks.

However, I've been a little frustrated at the fact that it didn't turn out that way. I guess I wasn't expecting the surgery to be so rough on me. I wasn't expecting the anesthetics to have such nasty lasting affects on me. I wasn't expecting the pain from the four little cuts and the discomfort not being able to move would do. I'm glad the surgery is done, but I'd rather not have to go through that again. I kept telling myself that a gallstone attack was worse pain than all of this and it seemed alright!

For the first week I couldn't even get out of bed basically and slept through most of it. Last week if I tried doing anything productive, after a little while of doing work I ended up having to rest and sleep for the rest of the day. I didn't catch up on life, other than the cards that are almost done! My house is a mess, even though Jeremy did wash the floors and do a lot of dishes. I have to start work again on Wednesday/Thursday and I haven't done most of what I wanted to do.

But, I guess that's what sick leave is about. If I could do stuff I should be working. So, at least I haven't felt like I'm taking unnecessary sick days or guilty about telling people they can't come over. I'm surprised how two weeks in church life has felt like a really long time as I tried not to do anything. I'm hopefully ready to get back into it and ready to tackle the challenges ahead of me.

Anyhow, I just thought I would give a little update to those wondering how things are going. I hope you all enjoy the new week ahead of us!

Friday

2011-02-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

I'm annoyed that what I really want to write about I can't. But, at the same time.. here's a song I'm enjoying right about now in my nice soothing office as I plan for this coming Sunday. Hope you enjoy too.

Productively Unproductive

2011-02-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like you are unproductively productive? It's been one of those weeks here. Because I'm sure you love to read about my week, here's a little of what it looked like.

My office is finally done, which meant that the 6 days of having no office to accumulate paper work, books, music sheets, and furniture needed to be taken care of. And let me tell you it wasn't pretty. I didn't get my day off on Monday because I had Bible Study in Chandler, what I do usually once a month. So, I took Tuesday off instead and ended up not even doing half of what I wanted to do during that day. I spent the day Wednesday cleaning the house up and re-organizing my office because of that. Today, I had to spend a part of my afternoon at the hospital, and I need to go back tomorrow morning.

Enough to say, I haven't gotten much work done this week. But then I did get two Bible studies done. I now have an office I enjoy working in. I have all my pre-op stuff done and most likely an appointment for surgery very soon. I even started paying off my student loan. So, it really hasn't been that unproductive. It just didn't look like what it usually does.

To show this, I thought I would add a few pictures of my office now that it is pretty much done. I have a few things to add here and there. I have some apple boxes that I want to cover with fabric to keep some of my supplies in since I don't have any drawers. I want to finally develop some of our wedding pictures and hopefully frame them for one of the walls. I want to bring in some beach grass in some of my vases, etc... It should look nice by the time it's done. Even if it only gets done in the next few months.

And, by the way, I really wish I was a good photographer... but I never was good with those kind of artsy skills. So you can't really tell how nice the color actually is.

If I was rich I would have nice fancy guest chairs in dark brown leather with green pillows. I would also have a nice antique wood desk. But, I'm a pastor and I never know when the week where I won't be able to cash my pay will come. I'm not worried, I'd just rather not spend frivolous amounts of money for nothing. Which meant I also gave up on the nice light fixture I had chosen and instead decided to fix and clean the one that was there. I also dug up that little dresser thing from the basement of the church to add a touch of that antique feel I wanted. Anyway, here's what it looks like.

Don't forget what it looked like before:

Reading and Sermons

2011-01-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

I really want to read more. I want to be more technology savvy too and use some of the amazing resources there are on the web. There is so much information that I could benefit from having, and there are so much blogs and books that I would like to be able to read. But, I don't.

I follow a few blogs, but I have only started that not too long ago. I discovered that I could get glimpses of real good information without going through a book to find it. I also liked that I could just read shorts bits of everything and all kinds of things.

This morning I decided that I needed to have a system in place to try to manage some of the things I want to read and instead of just getting lost and distracted to focus on what I want to read. So, I tried Google reader. I don't know how much it is going to help me, but if I can figure out how it all works, it can't hurt.

I also would like to spend so much less time reading useless status off of Facebook, and instead take that time to read resources that can help me in ministry and life. So, perhaps some kind of Facebook cleaning will be necessary too. I keep one Facebook just to have contact with ministry people and some kind of public image out there to connect with the world. That's also why I decided to join Twitter, although most people I work with don't even know what a blog, or facebook, or twitter is anyway. Maybe in a few years it'll catch on!

Then, there are all those books in Jeremy's library that I really should read. I have found lately that I just don't know much at all. Answers to questions, Biblical interpretations, doctrinal issues... Writing sermons every week has me digging for information that I just either forgot about since Bible College or maybe I just didn't pay enough attention while I was reading that material.

This digging takes a lot of time that I usually don't have when I finally come up with something to write on by Thursday night. I feel that if I was more in the books I would have fresh insights that would help me write my sermons. Maybe it would be easier to come up with sermon topics if I kept my head submersed with the right information.

Any experienced pastors out there have suggestions on how I can make my sermon prep time more effective and less of a burden every week?

Changing education paradigms

2011-01-28T14:14:00.001-05:00

A talk Jeremy found this morning. One of the reasons why I'd rather keep my kids out of the public education system. Worth the 11 minutes of your day.Ken Robinson: Changing education paradigms | Video on TED.com

Faith and Healing

2011-01-27T11:24:00.000-05:00

I met with the surgeon today. The last time I met with one was a few years ago. After that meeting I had told God, "If you want to heal me, cancel the surgery". Not to my surprise, after passing all the tests and everything I received a phone call telling me that the surgery was canceled. I knew God could heal me, and I expected him to.

The day before I would have been supposed to have my surgery, I ended up in the hospital again in the middle of the night. I thought it was a test of faith to see if I truly believed that God had healed me. After that, I didn't have any more "attacks".

Two years later or so, after following God's leading to serve Him, I ended up twice in a row, on a hospital bed begging for some kind of pain meds. It's gone away since, but I have come to the conclusion that I am not healed. And the doctors face every time they look at my gallbladder says the same thing. "Oh.. there is quite a bit of stones in there". The one today even said that she'd be surprised if it still even works since there are so many stones in there.

For at least the past couple of years I have struggled with my health. Not many people realize how much it affects me on a daily basis. From dealing with a million tests that come up with no conclusion, to not being able to wake up in the morning, to lying on the floor in pain in the middle of the night. It's not always that bad, but some things I deal with every day. This is just not the place for me to talk about it.

I have always wondered why God would allow it to happen to me while I try so hard to simply serve him. Is he punishing me? Is he trying to teach me something? Why can't He heal me? I believe He can, but why doesn't He? You don't know how hard it is to pray for others to be healed when I question why God doesn't do it in my life.

Does that mean there is some hidden sin in my life? Does that mean that I have little faith? Does that mean I am not who God wants me to be? You better not answer yes to any of these, cause I know it's not the case. Those who blame sick people for their sickness have serious issues to take into account.

I don't know why God doesn't heal me. I don't. Sometimes I get angry at him because of it. And I have learned that it is okay. Being sick has changed me. It's made me grow and trust in ways I would have never been able to without this happening in my life. God might have permitted for this to happen in my life, but I know it was ultimately for something good. Even if I never see the results of it. Dealing with all of these issues has helped me be a more compassionate person with those who deal with chronic pain, illnesses, or doubt. Maybe one day it will bring someone to the Lord, or back to Him.

This morning, some people would tell me that I stopped having faith in what God told me He would do. I would say, this morning I had as much faith as I had that day I received the phone call telling me my surgery was canceled. This morning I had more faith than I have had in a long time, because this morning I had faith that God was God even when He wasn't doing what I think God should be doing.

rantings...

2011-01-25T22:29:00.000-05:00

I should probably write a post soon. Maybe when my office is done getting it's make-over I'll post some pictures. If you remember a previous post where I got new shelves. Well, those planets at the top are gone, and tomorrow the holes in the walls, the yellow walls and the dark blue ceiling is going back to outerspace, where it belongs. Instead, what I hope to be some kind of a beach feel should settle in. I sure hope it looks as good as it does in my head. I could also use some inspirations on cheap craft ideas that would work with my theme. Seriously, cheap as in free is good.

My mom's so good at that kind of stuff. You should have seen the stuff she did for my wedding. It was amazing. But, she lives too far to help me with that now. It's kind of sad. I had fun painting trees with my mom. Maybe I'll paint some trees again. I like this.

Alright, more formal, more interesting, and perhaps worth reading post to come eventually.

But, for now, it's Lie to Me time. Jeremy likes the show because the main actor is on his Manic Street Preacher's CD. I just thought you would like to know.

Small Churches Matter

2011-01-14T10:48:00.000-05:00

I just read something somewhere about someone who gave up church planting just because they couldn't find a team of leaders to work with. It made me think about how many of us, pastors, if we would stick to this idea would give up our job just because we need to work alone. I am not judging the guy I read this off or anything, I didn't really read the whole story to be honest. But, I wonder how many people leaving Bible College and looking for a job realize that most ministry positions means moving places where team work is not really a possibility.

I often wondered how people coming out of Bible College without the real life ministry experience view what they are about to do. Growing up in a pastor's home and being in ministry throughout my years of Bible College meant that I was not going blindly into it. I knew exactly what I was getting into, and yes I wondered the whole four years why I was doing it.

I heard so many comments and ideals of ministry in Bible College. I wondered why they were teaching the stuff they did if it only really happened once or twice in some cases. I read papers by other students thinking, 'you seriously think that this is going to happen one day?' It's like when I hear all those preachers at conference telling us that our secretary should stick around when we're counseling a 'female'. My first reaction is always, ahhh.. so I should definitely be alone with a male! And then I say.. wait, you really think I have a secretary!!

Ministry is not what they tell us it is. You don't always have the opportunity to live close to family. You don't always have a chance to have the nicest things. You don't always have another pastor to share the burdens of the church with and you barely ever have a secretary to do all your paper work.

But that doesn't make it terrible. I'm just being realistic here.You know, it bothers me that because a pastor has a multi-staff / large congregation church that he gets to be the big shot. It bothers me that that's what I am supposed to aspire to. I have nothing against those in such positions and I do know that they have worked real hard to get there and God has often times placed them there. But, I would also like people to understand that pastor's are where God wants them to be even if their church has 40 people. Even if they have to work alone at developing plans for the years and visions and liturgies schedules and all that.

You learn to work with what you have. But, don't be disapointed when you end up in a church on the tip of the country somewhere without another staff member. It's part of the work. But, instead, learn to work with what you have. Learn to develop leaders where God has placed you. Learn to be the pastor you're supposed to be where you are.

I'm not saying it's an easy task. It's hard and lonely and even depressing at times. But, then you remember why you do it, you see people change and it's all worth it.

Conversational Complaints

2011-01-13T22:37:00.000-05:00

There are days I wish everything I attempted to do would get done.
There are days I wish I was sick just so I could stay in bed all day.
There are days I wish my hair would be straight.
There are days I wish snow removal did not involve moving my car out of the way.
There are days I wish that my double chin would instantaneously disappear.
There are days I wish my body would digest any kind of food it eats.
There are days I wish I could fall asleep without lying there for 3 hours.
There are days I wish I lived in a country where it didn't snow.

But then, I remember that tomorrow is garbage day and I'm finally going to get an empty garbage bin again. And that's enough to make me happy! Makes me wonder how much I complain just to have something to say sometimes and not because I'm really concerned about any of these, for real.

Talking On the Telephone

2011-01-07T11:42:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am as ackward to talk on the phone to as some people are.

I would say that most of my days are spent on the phone. But, I hate talking on the phone. I feel like you should have everything rehearsed and know exactly what you're saying as soon as the person says, Hello. It intimidates me, and makes me feel so stupid sometimes.

But then, there are the times when I talk to people and I have a list of things written in front of me that I want to say. And when I say them all in the proper timing and relaxed, I feel so smart. However, at some points it happens that I go through my list like you have no idea what the heck I'm going to do. I even forget to breath, and by the time I get to the end, if you were sitting in front of me, you'd see how red I am.

I'm not a phone person. I'd rather send you an email or bump into you somewhere. Sometimes I go out purposely so that I can run into people "accidentally" if I have something to tell them before I try phoning them.

I know, it's a problem. I don't know where it comes from. But, I'm letting you know because I thought you would like to know that.

Why am I writing?

2011-01-03T11:05:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a long time and I am wondering if I should keep writing or not. I have found it an asset to my ministry to have people understand where I come from in my reactions, and freeing to be able to let out my questions and ideas. But I have also realized that many people take what I say in the wrong way. This scares me for the sake of my ministry. I wouldn't want my transparency to hurt my ministry because of misunderstandings.

My ministry, the people I minister to, and the reason why I do it is extremely important to me. That is probably why I find it so difficult, because I care about it so much. I love what I do, while I hate that it takes so much out of me and that it places me in a position where I am so vulnerable. The more I invest in something the more I can get hurt.

It is troubling that people might use what I say to hurt me. As I told those close to me, those who want to hurt me will find a way whether I am transparent or not. But, I decided I don't like people having an extra reason to hurt me. Ministry is hard enough as is.

I find this extremely frustrating. The reality that although I don't want to hide what is going on in my life I have to. I find it hard to find the right balance between transparency and privacy. I have lived my whole life in the spotlight, hiding so many things, and I was rejoicing in this new found freedom.

But, I read an article in the Enrich magazine the PAOC sends me every few months and in her article, Isolated! A Paradox of Life in the Ministry, Tina Strutt says,

Many clergy have struggled with being real and have swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, causing dissension and hurt in our churches. We need to be highly tuned in to the appropriateness of what we share, and when and with whom we share it.

Isolation busting requires finding a safe place to be yourself. This is not the same as believing that you can let your hair down with just anyone. Yes, we want to be ourselves, but there are some things in our lives that require a few close confidants who are willing to support and help us process through the struggles we may be having.

I fear I am not stable enough to know what is proper to share and not. Like I am on some sort of rebound from all my years where I thought I couldn't share anything with anyone. I know that this isn't the place to share everything that is on my mind, while I would love for it to be.

My lack of real relationships and network in ministry has been fulfilled for the last few months with this blank post where I share what is going on in my life. It hasn't been working, so maybe my focus should change. Or maybe I need to stop.

This is what I do not like about being a pastor. It's not the work-load, it's not the people, it's not the spiritual battle, it's the figuring out how to properly live my life while being a pastor every hour of every day of every week of every year and for the rest of eternity.

Thyroid issues.

2010-12-14T14:07:00.000-05:00

Doctor called this morning. My Thyroid is low again. HALLELUJAH! I have a reason to be so tired.... this is so reassuring! I thought for a moment I was never going to get through this stage of tiredness in my life. Like, I was just lazy or something. Especially since everyone on Sunday was wondering whether I was going to pass out or not before the end of the service. Looking forward to a little more energy with the updated boost of meds.

Arts and Emotions

2010-12-10T15:43:00.000-05:00

I am waiting for inspiration to come. I have been waiting for a while. I have done everything else that needs to be done, well pretty much. The other thing needs inspiration too, so it is also waiting. And I even shoveled our yard because the contractor's job stinks and is not worth the money we paid for him (personal opinion).

So, anyway, I have been thinking lately about emotional manipulation and arts and how we have become so good as churches to manipulate people's emotions with arts - whether that be music or pictures, etc. As an artist myself, definitely not the drawing kind though, I really struggle with this. Because, of course, arts reach emotions and that is what speaks to people and moves them. But, are we going too far in using them to manipulate reactions?

I am just thinking about our now fancy power points to worship songs instead of the plain old overhead sheet with no color background and artsy picture included. I am also thinking of the little soft music that is almost a continual play during our services, our prayers and I have even seen churches that use it during announcements! Then, there is the typical picturesque slide show, or the 'raise money for missions while everyone cries' video which always includes a picture of a starving child and soft emotional music playing. Come on, anyone who's had a little bit of hard things on there minds would start bawling there eyes out through this video.

Is it really necessary to manipulate people like that into a reaction? I will tell you very honestly that I believe the church has become so desensitized to the presence of God that it can only feel it if soft music is playing in the background. The minute silence shows up everyone gets very awkward and doesn't know what to do. I also believe that we have become so selfish (I am speaking generally here, I know not everyone is like this and I know a lot of people that are EXTREMELY generous without even an inch of manipulation) that unless we are manipulated into a reaction, we won't do anything. I think this is very sad.

I think we shouldn't need to be manipulated into a reaction, and I don't think we need to be made aware of the presence of God. Isn't His presence always there in the first place? Why don't we acknowledge him there until after we have had a few songs to warm up? Why do we need to use the arts to help meet our own needs, when God has given us these gifts to glorify him? Shouldn't these gifts - music, drawing, dancing, painting, etc - be used to glorify God and not to help bring us closer to him?

I love the arts. I love using them in the church to express our relationship with God and draw us closer to Him and glorify Him. But, I always worry that instead of using it to glorify God I only use it to get what I need out of it. As if, if people cry that the presence of God is there and I was anointed that Sunday. It reassures me to see people react emotionally. And given our love for Pentecostal alter calls, I believe many pastors feel the same way.

I have the gift of making people cry I believe. Seriously, everytime I speak, everytime I do worship, everytime I make announcements(ok, that's not true, just sometimes), people cry. Even men cry (that's crazy, I know!)! Some Sundays I lead worship and honestly I know the songs will bring a reaction out of people. I honestly pick those songs because I know they will bring people to emotionnaly react. Isn't that terrible? Why am I so drawn by physical emotional reactions?

I have grown up in church where having 2-3 hour alter calls was a normal thing. But I have also been in so many of those services where I ask people who show physical emotional reaction what God is speaking to them or spoke to them through the message and they say, I don't know. I just feel like crying. I just can't stop crying. If God isn't speaking to you and you're just crying, then what's the point? I know you can find healing in the presence of God and sometimes just resting in Him is good, but I strongly believe that the kind of environment we create is what makes people "feel" like that. God can move in 20 minutes, so if he hasn't done anything by then... get over it. You're the one that is the problem. Not God. Crying for hours on end because of the soft music that is playing is not going to make things better.

Like I have said before, I long for an authentic move of the Spirit in my life and in our church. However, this longing means that I must NOT manipulate it. It should simply happen. And it might not happen as I want it too happen, or as you want it too happen. But, lets not try to recreate something that isn't real. Lets just be in the presence of God whether there is singing or quiet or blank screens or nice pictures. Lets react to what God tells us, not to what we feel.

Comments?

I'm forgetting

2010-12-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

In the last two days I have forgotten many things it seems. I have no recollection of a whole conversation I have had with Jeremy yesterday. I just re-watched a 20 minutes video because I thought I had not watched it before. I forgot to put the cover back on the pie just a minute ago. I forgot until late last night that I had an appointment at the hospital this morning. And, I forgot what I went to the store for yesterday.

Seriously, where did my brain go? If it weren't for my To-Do list I would probably forget what I have to do too. There seems to be a lot of things going on and I'm trying to remember all the details for it all, however it seems to not be working so great for me. It's like I never have a chance to re-organize my brain and it's starting to catch up with me. I need two days off in a row. One to rest, one to organize/clean/file.

Speaking of cleaning, I have no more clean clothes and neither does Jeremy. My kitchen was almost clean and then I did apple pies last night (I also learned that it isn't a good idea to start making pies at 8:30pm - even if you're most productive time is at night). I think I might want to do some of that and get to sermon writing and phone call making and people meeting and marriage preparations and... and... and....

This is my confused and tired look...

and all I do is preach. Sure.

I am afraid

2010-12-04T18:57:00.000-05:00

There are not many major things I am afraid of. I am not afraid of weird little critters crawling around my bed. I am not afraid of being found alone in a foreign city. I am not afraid of being attacked by strange men while walking in the woods. I am not afraid of the water or of flying. I am sure I could go on.

But, I am afraid of somethings. I am terrified of jelly-fish after a not so pleasant experience with one as a child. I am not fond of dogs. Sometimes they scare me. What really scares me though, is driving and being driven. It is strange because if there is something I have done a lot of in my life it is driving and being driven. I have driven through snow storms, rain storms, crazy warm days and some pretty cold ones. I have driven cars in all kinds of conditions... from gear sticks held in place with some elastic straps, some cars that had no heater or fan which meant driving on the highway with the window open early mornings to get to school, and my last car had a sticky gas pedal.

Despite the many kilometers covered in vehicles in my life, it has become more and more evident in the last few weeks that I am seriously scared of being in a car. I never realized the extent to which it scared me until one day after a drive home through some pretty nasty weather, my hand was sore from holding on to the handle in the car while Jeremy was driving us home. That is what I do when I am scared in the car, I hold the handle thingy - Africa taught me that.

When I was 16 or so, I was rear ended while driving. It scared me and hurt me (and my little sister and friend also). Then, a few years later it happened again when I was in Ethiopia. Nothing too serious, but it brought back everything I had finally started to get over. Then last winter I lost control of my car on the highway during a snow storm, made a 360 and ended up in the snow bank. That was enough for me. I don't think I could handle another crash.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a kids program we are re-starting at a school about thirty minutes from here. The weather is kind of rainy, and foggy and my car has really bad lights (even though they've been changed). I should also add that our car hasn't really been fixed, we just took it back until Monday when we will exchange it for a nice new 2007 Corolla! (Hopefully having a reliable car will remove some of my fear) Anyway, on my way there I met a fog patch so thick that I could not see one meter in front of me. The thought that my car might break down in the middle of the road and someone might come behind me and not see me there only to run me over was enough for me to find the first drive way (the safest one too) and turn around.

I seriously get so scared at points that, it's not safe for me to be driving (ask Jeremy). I'm hoping that the new car gives me a new confidence - at least in the car if not in the weather - to be able to go out more than what I have been. But please, be patient with me when roads are iffy, if there might possibly in the slightest chance be black ice somewhere, if it is dark outside and it is raining, if there is fog and I cannot see where I am going. I am afraid! So much so that it makes everything in me tremble. Why? Because if you hit me and I get hurt, it hurts! If I slip off the road and cannot get out, I have no way of reaching anyone other than hoping someone shows up. If my car breaks down, I don't know what to do.

I know some people are brave and they don't care what kind of weather there is, they are good drivers! Good for them! I don't want to hear it. I'm scared! I'm terrified! I cry just thinking about it! I really don't like driving, especially winter driving. And yes, I told that to God before he sent me to Gaspé! So if you have a problem with me canceling winter events, take it up with Him.

Prayer

2010-12-04T14:13:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning with a sens of peace. It should be a quite busy day giving I have to get ready for tomorrow's service, but still I have peace. And as I sit here, I am calm and relaxed and not worried at all about what tomorrow might bring. Hopefully this stays and doesn't mean that I'll be rushing to get things done later on tonight. I'm going to get to work in just a bit, so that shouldn't be the case.

Moments like these are moments when I know people are praying for me. I know a lot of people are constantly praying for me, but there have been moments like these in my life where I have stopped and realized, someone must be praying for me right now.

I received an email from another pastor this week telling me that he and his wife would be praying for me all month. What a blessing! I know that many others have been praying for me and I want to take this chance to say thank you. It really does make a difference!

I have always believed that the only thing that kept me close to God throughout my life has been my Father's prayers for me. And then, as a reminder, just last night as we were praying about the car situation, Jeremy prayed if they want us to have this new car, let them give it to us for this price. And, of course that is what happened! A miracle I must say!

So, never think that the smallest, most insignificant prayer is useless. God hears your cries, and he hears mine. Keep praying!

Keeping up.

2010-12-02T15:19:00.000-05:00

I thought I would write to you, while I wait to go back to the garage to see what is really wrong with the car. Since the 3 hours we spent there yesterday apparently did not change anything to the car condition. Did I say, it's always my luck that this sort of thing happens. I can never just get things done once.

It has been one of those weeks... I know I have a lot of those lately. I promise my life really isn't all that bad, at times. But, as Jeremy says, you have to do something just to cope with what is going on even if it isn't all that bad. So, I'm writing about it.

Since Monday morning, waking up to a not so great feeling of, I have a ton of things to do today and I just want to sleep, then leaving home without my guitar and chords after spending two hours finding chords to Christmas music for our Bible Study 1:30 away from here to which someone else had to pick me up and drive me back because my car's been acting up. And that was only Monday which was followed by a very unproductive yet productive Tuesday or prayer and fasting. It's good to take time for that, I know it. But the list of things I normally get done on Tuesday was not done. And on Wednesday we spent the afternoon at the garage, after having taken some of the morning to prepare for a Bible study that was canceled due to bad weather. And today, is Thursday... which we just started the car to notice that it wasn't fixed after spending a bunch of money on it two days ago! So, back we go to the garage this afternoon and another day of nothing has been done. Tomorrow we go to the doctors, lets just hope the lack of time to get anything done will be worth it... and they don't tell me I've got some weird disease or anything strange again!

I have been feeling gross all week. I'm so tired and feel like I can't keep up with anything. The sun going down at 3pm is not making things better. It's December and there is so much to do. It's our first Christmas together and I want to decorate and make it special and what not. I want to take a day to bake with people. I want to go visit potential friends. I want to write great sermons about Jesus. I want to sing amazing songs and have great Christmas programs. But, I keep telling myself, maybe this full time ministry thing is too much for me to handle.

Because... I can't keep up. And it might be because I sleep in too much - I have seriously gotten better at it though, just perhaps not this week! Or it might be because I don't delegate enough. Or maybe I just don't realize how many things have to be done before they have to be done. Anyhow... my week is a mess. Of not very much accomplished.

And I feel bad. I feel like I'm letting God down. I feel like I'm letting the people here down. I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel like I don't deserve the pay check this week. I really haven't done the work I'm supposed to do.

But why are we so pressed to get things done? As if next month it'll be too late to celebrate Jesus' birth? As if we don't do Bible study this week everyone is going to crumble and fall away from the Lord? Let's be honest, no one really feels like going to Bible study when the roads are possibly slippery anyways! When am I going to say that and believe it? Why do I feel like every week I need to add something and add something and add something? No wonder we burn out... but I believe my fear of burning out paralyzes me the minute I get tired. Is that possible?

Okay.. I'm ranting and I need to go back to the garage now. But, feel free to comment on this.. I finally fixed the comments thing on the blog. What do you think?

Six Months of Married Life

2010-11-30T02:31:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe that it has already been six months since our wedding day. Yet, at the same time, it kind of feels like there has been a lot going on since then. The move, the new job, the adjustment to spending every day together, the change of roles and responsibilities... it was all a little bit much at the same time. But it has been six good months of learning a lot!

Since most of our relationship before the wedding day was through phone, webcam, or emails, it has been interesting to get to know Jeremy face to face. We knew so much about each other because of the hours on end of talking to each other for a few years, but I have gotten to know how he lives out who he is on a daily basis in the last 6 months.

There is no doubt about it, he is an interesting and unique person. I knew this about him from the first debate we ever had in our Pentateuch course. And when he'd fall asleep on the phone at 4am cause I couldn't sleep, and then wake up at 5am to go to work I knew he was worth keeping. Even if he was a little strange at times and had ideas no one else had, I loved how he made me think about everything I said and thought. I loved how he was always honest with me, perhaps too much at times. I loved how he didn't try to be someone else, but was just so "raw". There is no pretending with him, he is who you see. But, what I truly loved about him was something most people never see. The heart behind the intellect.

I love that before I got to see him live every day, I got to see the heart behind who he is. I love that I know he cares more about people than any of us pretend to. I love that I know his relationship with God is more profound than all of our spiritual sounding songs and prayers. I love that I know that nothing in the world could shake what he believes to be true.

When you start getting to know a person based on what you see them do every day, the heart gets clouded by the routine. If I had spent the last 3 years being by Jeremy's side I would have known that he likes to eat Pizza Pockets, likes walking through church in his underwear (oh yah.. it's true!), plays a lot of video games, and types faster than anyone I've ever seen. But, I wouldn't have worked so hard at trying to understand this incredibly amazing man. Only by being miles away from him, for so long, did I work so hard at understanding who the man behind the mundane everyday Pizza Pocket eating, Starcraft playing, underwear walking man truly was. And trust me, I don't think I would have enjoyed the last six months so much if I didn't know what I know about him before hand. It really hasn't been all that easy. But being married to Jeremy is the best part of my life. He drives me crazy some days, but he keeps me sane most of the other days.

Weirdos

2010-11-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

On Friday night, as I was on the couch watching TV and eating some popcorn with Jeremy some man showed up at our door looking for our prayer meeting. The minute I opened the door, I knew it was trouble.
The discussion went like this:

- man, "is there a pastor here?"
- me, "I am the pastor. Can I help you?"
- man, "Is there a man pastor here?"
- me, "no sir, I'm the pastor here, can I help you?"

He then went on to say how the people that had sent him here had told him about a prayer meeting on Friday nights at our church (which used to happen but has been changed for a few weeks now) and that they told him there was a pastor there. But, they didn't say anything about a woman pastor he said. And, apparently through this little visit he knew what he needed to know about our church and what happens here.

He said, "it's not for nothing I came here tonight. I got the information I needed. I go from church to church and when I see false doctrine in churches I need to correct them. Do you know if there was another prophet to which God revealed himself after the Old Testament? John the Baptist is the last prophet and his words need to be heard by all. I am here to make his words heard. When I see bad practices being taught in churches like women getting their hair cut and wearing jewelery, I have the duty to correct them. If they don't listen, God will punish them as he has punished all those that have chosen to not listen to my teachings before."

Let's just say, not the way you want to spend your Friday night. But, I live in a church. So people can find me, quite easily. Too easily. Anyway... I told the man that if he showed up at my church and tried correcting people that I wouldn't put up with that. So he better be ready for my reaction if he tries doing that. I told myself, he's just another weirdo wanting to cause trouble so I might as well get rid of him now.

As Sunday morning came around I thought for sure he would show up this morning. I warned the board members to be prepared if I kicked someone out this morning. Jeremy even wore his shoes in case he had to bring him outside. I was all ready in case this weirdo showed up.

Growing up in a pastor's home, I have seen my share of weirdos. We always called them like that - people who only look for trouble and think they know what is right. I have almost had my mind made up about how to react with these people. That you should always beware of them and not let them get a feet in the door or else they will attempt to run the show and take over everything.

But, being the doubter that I am, I have to ask myself if that is right? Seriously, should I have closed the door in the man's face or should I have invited him in? Should have I given him a chance to come to church and wait until he does something wrong to correct him? How would have Jesus reacted to him?

I really don't know the answer to this one. It is the conflict between good leadership and grace. Dealing with people is never easy. Dealing with weird people is even harder.

Friends...

2010-11-25T11:27:00.000-05:00

I have never been one with many friends. I was not in the 'popular' group at school. I was not even in the 'reject' group for most years - or maybe I was and I didn't really know it. I was just kind of myself. I was the Christian kid, who always walked around with a huge instrument - in most cases a bassoon. Seriously, who plays the bassoon?! For a few years I tried fitting in, but it didn't really work anyway, so I stopped doing that. I wore what I wanted to wear, spoke when I wanted to speak, and joined in when I wanted to join in.

It wasn't easy. I probably have a lot of issues with people today due to my lack of normal relationships as a kid and teenager. I always felt like I was at least 10 years older than everyone else around me and in the back of my head I really wanted to have just one friend. One normal person that would understand me and that I could enjoy being with.

I have always wondered what friends were for. Keep me busy when I'm bored? Be there when I need to vent? Help me out when I need help? Just being there... what's the point of that? I remember one girl I was hanging out with telling me that we could almost be best friends now cause we had been spending a good deal of time together. I replied: «I don't have best friends». And that was the end of that.

I have always wondered why people want the nice people, the cool people, the normal people to be their friends. But, when someone is a little different, a little bit of an emotional mess, a little of an annoying person, than they don't want to be their friends. And anyone who is their friend must be strange too. Like, 'How can you be friends with them?!' type of thing.

But, what's the point of friends? Who did Jesus befriend? And why did Jesus have friends? Okay, he had his disciples, but if I remember they sure weren't the coolest people around before they became his disciples. And then he had all those sinners and that weird guy Zacchaeus. The point of his friendships was to help people grow and show them love. And in return he appreciated the company and he grew closer to them. He learned to appreciate them.

I'm tired of being looked at strangely because I don't try real hard at having friends. I'm tired of being accused of not being normal because my friends aren't always normal. What is normal, seriously? Because my friends that I do have, have been more faithful than other people that have come into my life. Have been more faithful than the friends I have tried to have from the other group.

Because I have tried. Tried to be normal. Tried to be in. I just don't fit there. Should I fit there? Why don't I fit there?

I have a friend. Well, I have two, but the other one is now my husband so he doesn't really count anymore. But, I have a friend who has been there throughout the years. Been there when I needed a place to sleep only to go visit other people. Been there when I needed to cry. Been there when I needed to get drunk and stopped me from it. Been there when I needed to vent, been there when I needed to laugh. I have a friend, and I love my friend. She might not be the most stable person on earth, she might not be the most socially acceptable person on earth neither. But I love her like that, because I'm not always stable, and I'm not always socially acceptable... and neither are YOU!

I don't know!

2010-11-18T11:33:00.000-05:00

I have always been the kind of person that talks as if I know what I'm talking about no matter what it is I'm talking about. Most people ask me things and when I answer they believe what I say as if I always knew what the answer was. I don't know where I acquired this skill - or is it a skill? Skill or not, it turned out to be very practical in the role I play today.

It seems like being a pastor requires you to know how to do everything. You need to know how to prepare a service, preach, teach, do funerals, weddings, counsel people, work and fix sound gear, fix the computer and keep everything up to date, take care of children, youth, seniors, and on top of that take care of the maintenance of the building.

But, as I was painting the walls yesterday and pretended like I knew what had to be done, I realized it's not so good to pretend when it is very clear you don't know how to do it. And then when I met with people and heard of their situation I realized once again, I don't really know what to do here. And then when I came back home from Bible study after a 12 hour work day and saw that the roof (not the roof, the ceiling of the 2nd floor) was leaking, I realized once again that I don't really know what to do here.

Someone suggested I read a book on how to recruit volunteers. And I must say, I am an expert at that task. One thing I know how to do is delegate... but you still need to know what to do when you delegate to someone else. For example, they were waiting for me to give directions yesterday while we were painting. I say go and I say yes and I say no (pretend the Beatles are singing here). But, what about when I don't know what is the best thing to do?

I could be all spiritual and say God inspires me and tells me what to do and how to do it and that is why I know what to do. But, I'm not all that spiritual most of the time. I kind of pretend I know and people believe me and away we go.

But, what happens if in 3 years the roof collapses because I told them what to do but it wasn't the right thing to do? What if the people I agree to marry get divorced in a few years because I told them I knew what to do? What if the walls turn out ugly? What if the sound gear breaks down one day because I pretended all these years I knew what I was doing? What if teenagers turn out a total mess? What if kids never come back to Christ? What if husbands never change? What if the next pastor comes and says, "did she even do anything while she was here? What if....?

The pressure of being in this kind of situation makes my head spin. I need to know, I don't know, I pretend I know, I live in fear of failing. Too much stress for a 24 year old I must say. So what should I do? ..... I really don't know!

Days Like That...

2010-11-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

Some days I lose it. Some weeks I lose it. Some times I just can't deal with all the questions in my head and so I must find a way to let it out. Most of the times, I end up taking it out on Jeremy. Not that he doesn't ask for it. But on days like that, you shouldn't ask for it. Just saying...

Some times, I have weeks like that. When all I feel like doing is sleeping. Should I feel guilty about it? Because I do... which makes those weeks the most annoying weeks I go through. But, it is often times the result of doubts never being answered, of over doing it for the last few weeks, and lack of vitamin D.

Is it wrong, that I feel guilty to take care of myself? Is it wrong that I feel bad to answer the phone and say "yes, I was sleeping and it is 11am"? The problem with this job is it's lack of description. I feel like I do nothing, but I feel like I'm always doing something. The fact that I work from home makes it even worse. There is no days "off" unless I go out and don't come back for the whole day.

I wonder why other people can do what they do and not feel so overwhelmed. What is it about me that causes me to be so lazy, is what I ask myself all the time? But, am I truly lazy? Is that the problem? Or have I been lied to by all them peoples out there....

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for relief. I'm just trying to understand.

Monday...

2010-11-01T12:36:00.000-04:00

I just got back from my aqua-fit class, spent an extra few minutes in the sauna and now all I want to do it sleep. But, it's a busy Monday. Since I've been away for the last 3 Mondays basically, the house work has pilled up... literally... on my bedroom floor. I have way too much laundry to do, and I hate the fact that it is upstairs and I need to bring it downstairs and sort through it all and then bring it back upstairs to dry once it's washed. But, at least I don't have to drive to a laundromat and all that goes along with that.

Later on today we're going to get the winter tires put on the car and then we need to do groceries, cause Jeremy is really fed up with me only having soup to offer him for the last week. Oh, sometimes I wished he ate a bigger variety of stuff. Make my life easier to feed him leftovers.Ok.. so maybe 5 days of soup is enough to make anyone tired of it, but at least we have something to eat, right?

I'm tired, again. And tired means complaining. Maybe I should get my thyroid checked again. Speaking of which.. I need to make us a doctors appointment. Here's another think I wished. I wish Jeremy spoke French. Then he could call places, and go places without me. It doesn't bug me to do all of that for him because I do sympathize with him not speaking the language, but it's a lot to have to take care of everything.

I suppose it could be worse though, so I shall pick myself up, maybe get a cup of coffee and start filing up baskets of clothes upstairs!

Musings on hills, visits and denominations...

2010-10-29T11:18:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but my coffee is always so good on Friday mornings. Either I am really tired, or there is just something about Friday that makes me enjoy life more. Perhaps it's the fact that it's the first evening I get to spend with my husband of the week! It's been a busy week of Bible study, Bible study, and Bible study. But I decided that I wasn't writing a post to complain about the busyness of life today. Aren't you happy? So am I!

So, I'm not sure what I am writing about today. I just feel like writing. Today is sermon day, so I am searching for some kind of inspiration. The sun has been out for the last 2 days, and it's been a really enjoyable thing. Yesterday I finally went out for a walk up the hill on which we live. I have been wanting to go for a while, but I always convince myself that I need to get used to doing the little hills before I get to that one. If you don't know, Gaspe is built on a mountain basically. Where we live there is two options for walking, go downhill and then uphill or uphill and then downhill. Jeremy has been going up the hill for quite some time now, he even does it 3 times a day usually. So, yesterday I finally decided that I had to just push myself and go. Now... lets hope I continue doing it until I can do it three times also!

On another note, yesterday we went to visit some friends of friends of ours that live in Gaspe. A nice couple and their daughter that are a part of another denominations of Christians in town. It was nice to get to know them and spend some time getting to know people outside of our own little church circle.

Part of the discussion revolved around denominations and the problems they have working together. I have always been someone who understands the need for denominations, as opposed to most people believing we should be non-denominational. I think it is important that people have a place where they can agree on aspects of the faith which aren't necessarily foundational to the Gospel message so that we don't spend all our time trying to argue who is right in things that aren't foundational. I do believe, however, that we must learn to respect each other and work together in the midst of those differences because our primary goal is to reach people with the Gospel. And whether our church, or another church grows, as long as The Church (in the real sense of the word) grows, we are building the kingdom of God. Isn't that what is important?

One of my challenges however is to be purely Pentecostal. I have seen so much abuse and exaggeration within the Pentecostal circle that it scares me to associate myself with them at times. When the guitar salesman asked us the other day what denomination we worked for, I hesitated before mentioning I was Pentecostal. I do believe there are some good things that are true and important for our faith within Pentecostalism, but often times I wonder why we have to push it so much. I worked with a pastor once who said that it was worthless to spend time doing ecumenical services because the Holy Spirit wouldn't be able to move. Yet I have seen Presbyterians, Anglicans, even Catholics be truly authentic in the move of the Holy Spirit in a way you would not expect to see. I just love the idea that those who aren't pushed to pursue such a move, live it. It makes it real because you know it isn't something they are expected to live. It really is the Holy Spirit because it isn't something they would look for by themselves.

I long for the day when I see and live an authentic move of the Holy Spirit that doesn't scare people away, doesn't make kids run away, doesn't involve flesh, doesn't involve exaggeration. Something that builds The Church, produces fruit that lasts, and that doesn't go away.

A Productive Tuesday

2010-10-26T16:07:00.000-04:00

I can finally see the top of my desk and even both bookshelves! I love days where I get things crossed off of my to-do list and see the stress level go down. Sometimes I forget that just getting down to it and putting in the extra effort to get things done helps to see clearer at the end of the day. There is still a lot of work to do, but it doesn't seem so overwhelming.

I was praying a little while ago and as I was thinking of all the administrative stuff that needs to be looked after, I realized that I forget to ask God to help me and guide me even in those steps. I forget that he takes care of making sure we have enough money to do all that has to be done. I forget that he places the people with the skills to fix the building in front of us. I forget that he knows what needs to be done today, and what needs to be done next year. I forget to trust him in stuff that I see as "non-spiritual".

But seriously, God is in all of that. I don't need to worry. I need to seek him. I need to walk close to him. I need to listen to Him. And it's all going to be alright.

Just as an example, I opened the church front door today and lying there was a fifty dollar bill. No envelope, no note, no nothing... Just a lonesome $50 bill. It almost looked like it flew right there and was waiting for me on this snowy rainy windy (it's always windy here) day. I don't know if someone lost it (if you did, let me know and my seeing God at work will be all messed up - unless you really need it that is!), or if someone put it there for something, or what happened to it. But, there it was.

Now, if I could only get this Bible study ready for tonight...

Planning On a Sunday Night

2010-10-24T21:13:00.000-04:00

I have had so many things to write about lately, but I just haven't had a chance to get down and write them. I've lost my grandmother, I've gone to conference, I've participated in helping to officiate my first wedding, and I've seen the challenges of being a woman in ministry... but, alas, maybe you'll hear about it one day.

Have you already felt like you are in over your head? Like there is no end to the piles of papers on your desk, or the task list that has all turned red from being due yesterday. I wanted to take a picture and show you what my office looks like right now, but I couldn't find my battery charger and it is dead. I guess this in itself explains how much of a mess it is.

I hate working in a dis-organized space. I'm the kind of person that loves filing and having things placed in its spot and ever since we've changed the shelves in my office, I haven't had a chance to get to the organizing of it yet. I need baskets, stickers, and time to do all the paper work that needs to be done. But, time hasn't been much of a surplus around here lately.

We were away at conference last week, and as much as I loved being with friends and not thinking about what had to be done it made me realize all the work that does come with the "senior" pastor role. Planning the budget for next year, looking into the building maintenance, getting the ministries running and supervising them all, forming leaders, etc... I am grateful that I have a lot of help to do these things and great people to work with, but I guess it didn't click how much work it all involved. Hopefully it just all comes together and as I focus on one thing at a time, things that need to be done will get done.

It's Sunday evening and I'm exhausted. I know it's not a good thing to work on Sunday night, (especially since I don't have my usual Monday off tomorrow) but I'm glad I planned out my week and took the stress of trying to remember everything off of my shoulders. Now I can enjoy my cup of coffee tomorrow morning (good coffee thanks to coming home to a fresh can in the apartment last Thursday! Thanks Judy and Lorelei!) and my aqua-fit classes tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'll even be able to enjoy a bit of time in the sauna before I get back to the rest of this busy week.

Time Management and Thanksgiving

2010-10-15T11:44:00.000-04:00

It is Friday morning and I have for some reason a really good cup of coffee compared to my usual. We have been living on a budget, and so I haven't had enough money left in the last few weeks to buy a new can of coffee that doesn't taste awful. But, this morning I decided to use my left over coffee from my camping gear, and it has convinced me that I NEED to buy a new can of coffee. Or else, I suppose I could use the churches can that has been put in my basement freezer. But, would that be considered stealing? It is for church purposes I suppose if I use it to be able to wake up and get to work in the mornings. I'll have to think about that some more... or maybe someone will be generous and drop us off a can of good coffee. Lately those prayers have been answered. I have a stage on the other side of my living room door, filled with jams, potatoes, onions, carrots, rutabaga, and trees. It's a pretty sight to see!

It seems so much has been going on in the last few weeks, but I haven't taken the time to really stop and think about it. Last weekend we had a Thanksgiving pot-luck/service at the church. We had a full crowd and lots of food! I preached a bilingual sermon... translating myself is an art in itself I must say! And then I completely forgot that I wanted to let people share a testimony and jumped straight to the food. I must have been hungry or something. Then after the service we rushed everyone to clean up, packed our bags and drove to my parent's house to join my brother, his fiancee and my younger sister for a nice Thanksgiving day. I had not seen my sister since the wedding, and so even though it was only for a few hours I was glad to be able to be with her.

One of the things about ministry is that you never get those long weekends. You never get those extra days off that let you go away for the weekend, and getting a day off only means you have less time to do everything that has to be done before the next Sunday comes along. And yes, we do more than just prepare a sermon. I find it hard to get used to all the responsibilities I have and manage my time properly. I started 2 weeks ago to really make a plan that would help me to manage my time better and make sure I did blocks of work on this and that at different times throughout the week. If it has helped to put more visitation time in my schedule, that is about it. I find myself constantly distracted or interrupted during those other moments when I am supposed to be focusing on something else.

The problem with bad time management is that I get overwhelmed when at the end of the week I have loads of things to do and not enough time to do it. And if you know me at all, when I get overwhelmed, I get very emotional and I tend to complain a lot. The thing is, I like what I do and I love being able to invest in people's lives, but I just feel like there is so much to be done and no end to it. My "get it done" attitude, is really hard to deal with while working with people who never get to where they are supposed to be. And so, I spend a lot of time complaining... sometimes. I wish I didn't, but I do. Hopefully one day that will change.

But I am thankful. I am thankful that I have this job and thankful that I have a church that trusted me enough to allow me to be their pastor. I am thankful that I have a roof and that even though it's a little cold in here, I am not living outside. I am thankful that I always live in one of the most beautiful places in the world even though they are far away and isolated. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me and cares for me and that I enjoy being around. I am thankful for parents that have invested in my life and taught me what I know today. I am thankful for a husband who sticks by when I get tired and emotional and who loves me enough to let me be who God made me to be. And I am thankful that I am able to spend my life in service to God - because investing in anything else than the Kingdom of God is, I believe, useless.

I know I am a little late with Thanksgiving being last week already, but I'm not the conventional do it at the right day kind of person anyway. So here is to my day of being thankful! :)

Adventures of a Lifetime

2010-09-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

This week has been a week of running the roads quite a bit. Once a month we have a Bible Study in a home about an hour and a half away from here, and we also had a ministerial meeting for our region which just happens to be four hours away! So, in two days I drove about eleven hours - something I used to do quite often in the past, but which I am not very fond of all that much anymore. (maybe if I had a better car I wouldn't mind it so much though)

Most of my life I have been called an adventurous person. I first left home at 14 for a summer to go babysit my cousin in Montreal. I took the train a few times to go meet some friends in Montreal for a couple of weeks. I lived in Quebec city one summer working for Young Canada Works. I used to go on trips almost every weekends with friends and family. Traveling was one of my favorite things to do.

My first year of College I went across the country to Abbotsford, BC and didn't come back until the following May. We finished that year off with a trip to the Czech Republic for 3 weeks and when we got back home I was in the works to raise enough money to go spend 3 months in Ethiopia. By the time I was 20, I had done most of my life dreams - all except being married and having kids. (I told you I was a get it done kind of person!) Looking back on it now, I don't know why I was in such a rush to try and get everything done so soon.

I just recently have tried to compare my life experience to that of others in terms of years and have realized how the 24 years that I have been alive really do not even form the majority of what some people have lived. I keep thinking my life is full of adventures, twists, turns and all; but, then I put it in comparison to someone who has been alive for 65 years and I wonder what I will have to say when I am there.

The reason why I have tried doing this is simply because most people to whom I do ministry are, well lets just say older than me. I have been told that it will require a lot of effort on my part (and patience) to try and understand where people come from given my age. I also have to be careful how I express myself since my 24 years of experience are nothing compared to that of others. I do want to be respectful, understanding and even appreciative of the wealth in history that people bring to the church and because of that it is important for me to try and imagine how much of that they really have. For some reason, I think that in order to realize this, I have to not only see the person as a 45 year old person or more... I have to think like a 45 year old person. So, this is my attempt at it.

I'm looking forward to the new and numerous experiences still to come in my life, but I am learning to let them come as they do. I have many years to live all kinds of new adventures and if I never have the chance to live them, I can learn from those who did.

Sermon writing

2010-09-23T16:08:00.000-04:00

Let's be honest here, I've been walking around the house for quite a while now, instead of getting to work on my sermon for Sunday. Hey, I even baked muffins and picked up the living room. I would like to be all spiritual with you and tell you that every week God absolutely inspires me and I know exactly what to preach and it just flows all naturally. Truth is, doesn't happen that way for me. Some weeks it does! Most weeks, it does not. I usually have a theme or a verse or a general idea, but when it comes to putting it down on paper, I end up fighting with myself to type it out.

Which brings me to my next point. You know those people who can write 2-3 verses down and then stand in front of a church and preach for 30 minutes... how do they do it? I have a hard enough time finding things to say to people in general conversation for more than 5 minutes, never mind coming up with a whole sermon unprepared. I have been taught that a good sermon requires at least a good 8-10 hours of preparation. Some people even say that you should spend one hour per minute of speaking. (that's impossible unless sermon prep is all you do in a week!) I like to think that normally I put in quite a bit of work into my sermons and I believe that it is very important to come prepared if I am going to have the opportunity to share about God and have complete attention from people for 25 minutes week after week. However, I'd like it if I could have the same kind of depth in a sermon with the 5-20 minutes preparation it takes to write down 2-3 verses on a piece of paper.

I was talking with people yesterday about this. And, to be honest, while the girl (here's to you Melissa) who writes down 2-3 verses was explaining how easy she finds it to come up with a sermon that people remember even after a number of years, I got a little jealous. I then attempted to prove why I needed to spend more time in preparation and try to show why my sermons had to be more profound because of the crowd I was preaching to. While all of this was happening, I was fighting with myself to stop trying to prove I was better and let it go. The battle with pride is such a hard one to fight...

And so I wonder, maybe pride is one of the reasons why writing my sermons is so hard. You see, I want to write something that sounds good, that is deep, that is going to change people, that is going to inspire them to leave the place and be amazing witnesses for Christ. That is so much pressure on my shoulders for one sermon! I constantly fight with my pride when writing. I forget that it is not what I say that changes people, it is the living Word of God that changes people. Perhaps if I focused on that instead of on sounding amazing, writing would come easier. But... as I said, it's a constant battle.

random thoughts of the day...

2010-09-17T16:45:00.000-04:00

It appears this blogging thing is not my first priority as it has been put off in the last few weeks. I suppose that is a good thing - because I would have to question myself if blogging was more important than everything else in my life. Especially since it often time feels like I am writing about myself so much and what is going on in my life - you know the "I HAVE to let people know everything I am doing" feeling. Not my first priority - phew! Now I feel releaved to write this post.

So, it is Friday afternoon, and to be honest I have not had that busy of a week. Jeremy's parents left on Wednesday, and I have done quite a bit of administrative work the rest of the week. After years of putting together worship binders for others, I decided it was time that I got my own done. So I went through my bag of sheet music and what not and categorized them, punched holes in them and put them in my pretty new white binder. I find this strange satisfaction from organizing stuff. I don't do it very often, but when I do.. oh I love the feeling of accomplishment. Yes, I am one of those persons that makes lists just to be able to cross things off of it when they are done. I LOVE getting things done!

Speaking of getting things done, check out my new bookshelf that my father-in-law took apart from the dungeon office in the basement and put into mine. It needs painting and re-organizing, but I'm excited that my office looks semi-professional. Minus the planet boarder and the yellow walls... that will change eventually.

On another note, I have discovered that I am extremely bothered by people who are not honest with themselves and with others. You know that feeling when people are talking to you and you know they are lying; but, what can you do? I have not really thoughts about it much yet, but I am hoping to try to discover why it is I am bothered so much with dishonesty. I just wish people would know that it is okay for you to tell me straight up how you feel. I am strong enough to take it and even if I crumble at the thought of it, I will get over it. Just tell me the truth, please.

I have also discovered that I am a minority. (I made myself laugh there...) I am a woman, senior pastor, and young. Seriously, is there anyone else out there in my position? When I get into groups of pastors, it hits me more than ever. I am always the odd one out. I have always been and I am not bothered by it, but I wonder why. Why isn't there any other people in my shoes? I'm just a normal person and I'm not even all that spiritual, or mature, or whatever you would like to call it. So, why me?

Just a few of my thoughts for the day. We have a mission team in this weekend and so I get to go to the Catholic Church tomorrow for a worship service they are putting on there. I am so excited to do something outside of our church! They're also doing our French service here. Hopefully everything goes well.

To end, enjoy some of the beautiful scenery from this gorgeous city! :)

In-laws and Jesus

2010-09-11T10:59:00.000-04:00

Jeremy's parents have been with us for the last few days, and it has been great to have them around. They are great people and I am so lucky to have them as my in-laws! My mother in law and I have tested out my bread machine and figured out that it doesn't work that great when trying to bake bread in the machine itself. But, we did manage to get two yummy loaves cooked in the oven. My father in law has changed most of the old plug-ins in the house, taken down my air conditioner from the window upstairs, and took us to get my slow leek in my tire fixed "again". (I think I need new tires and rims; but a new car altogether would be nice. Just make sure it's bought IN Quebec). Now that most of the house work has been done, I'm praying that the sun comes out so that we can show them around this beautiful place we live in. (No, I didn't plan it that way!)

Although this week has been very nice, I have truly felt like I have been in the middle of a battle, spiritually. Some weeks ministry is harder than others. Some weeks people aren't exactly pleased with you. Some weeks you have to make decisions that are hard to make. I know it is part of the job: but seriously, does anyone like to be rejected and accused?

I suppose you'll answer, well Jesus was like that and so it comes back to my 'gah.. being like Jesus again!' I know I know...

So, if you are out there and reading this. Pray for me. Because, I need it. This battle is hard to fight and some weeks I don't feel strong enough to do it. This is one of those weeks.

Being a Wife

2010-09-06T20:54:00.000-04:00

Mondays are the days I stop being a pastor and become a wife. Not that both roles can't coincide, but it's sometimes hard to do both at the same time. I suppose this is also influenced by my ideal vision of what a wife should do. I might be a little traditional in this idea that a wife cooks and cleans and takes care of the babies. When I'm on the phone, doing paper work, studying, out doing visitations... my house usually looks like a mess, my meals aren't all that appetizing, and lets just say it's a good thing I don't have babies yet.

Jeremy has been quite good with it. After spending the day in Matane last week for district meetings, I came home to a spotless house that needed some serious cleaning. He's been a great help! But, in all honesty, I cannot wait for the day when I'm a stay at home mom. Circumstances in our life have lead us to be in the place we are now - where I have to work and Jeremy fills the 'pastor's wife' role; but, I have no opposition to it changing one day. Understand that I know I'm blessed to have this job where I can actually be flexible enough to work from home, or from the beach, or bake a meal as I prepare my sermon. It's a blessing to have a job - period!

But, seriously, how do families where both parents work full-time actually do it? Anyway.. side note!

Back to today. Today was a day of cleaning and preparing for the visit of the in-laws! Jeremy's parents are coming tomorrow and so we have been scrubbing and dusting and organizing stuff most of the day. My clothes line was full. (My clothes line needs some serious fixing as it drags my clothes through the bushes we have because it's too lose! Another thing on the to do list.) We also tried fitting a massive King size foam into one of our tiny bedrooms upstairs. After some re-organizing we succeeded only to realize that finding sheets and blankets big enough would be another story. We'll see how things turn out tomorrow I suppose.

Jeremy also put up our new Quebec license plate that after spending over 700$ in inspections and worthless inspections and replacing breaks (cause this city is built on a mountain!) and traveling to this garage and that garage and dealing on the phone with a bunch of ..... anyway! Let me tell you that the "Je me souviens" (I remember) written on the plate is going to make me recall this complicated annoying experience every time I see it. Not my fondest moment of Quebec. The challenges of culture shock - you think you're moving to another country or something!

But, after our full day, I cooked us some fish and we sat down to watch Master Chef New Zealand together! I was so excited to finally succeed at cooking fish without over cooking and butchering it! Jeremy's favorite meal is fish (and trust me, there aren't many things Jeremy likes so I better do it good). But, the first time I tried cooking it I completely massacred the thing. I've never been a terrible cook, but I guess I've never really been pushed to cook outside of what I normally like to do. There's another place where I have got some learning to do and that's where Master Chef comes in. We love watching those competitive cooking shows: Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, Master Chef, etc...

It's so nice to have a day a week just to be a couple. As we were doing the dishes together today, I was thinking to myself how much I enjoy having someone to spend my days with. Someone that listens to me ramble and complain about this and that. Someone who helps me mop the floors and dry the dishes. This being married thing has been a big adjustment in my life - to be honest again; and the more I get used to it the more I love it! I love being a wife!

Sundays...

2010-09-05T15:52:00.000-04:00

The biggest day of the week for me is always Sunday. Leading a bilingual church means we have an English service at 9:00 and a French one at 11:00. From 8:30 to 1:00 I'm fully in my element. The weeks - like this week - that I don't need to lead worship on top of preaching twice make it a lot easier and less exhausting. But, usually I end up crashing Sunday afternoon for a few hours. I don't know why, but preaching takes so much out of me. I don't know if it is because my heart is fully involved in what I try to share, if it's the spiritual battle that comes with it, or if it just takes a lot of energy. All I know is when I'm done my brain turns off.

Leading a bilingual church comes with quite a few challenges I have discovered. It truly feels like I have two different churches. They are distinct in culture, traditions, challenges and directions. I have yet to discover the proper way to deal with the challenges of pastoring one church of two congregations.

Take this morning, for example. I normally preach the same sermon that I have translated from English to French. My sermon this morning really could take a few different twists depending on where I decided to place the emphasis. After leading the English service in one direction, I got to the French one and discovered that the people in that service where at a totally different place than the English people. On the spot adjusting was definitely necessary... (Why I hadn't thought about it while I was writing it escapes me.... something else to work on!)

Every week I seem to learn something new. I wonder if I will ever have it all together one of these days. I look at people that have been pastors for some 30 years and sometimes I wonder what they would do if they were where I am today. A lot of them have told me that I shouldn't change anything for a number of months, if not years. But, I find it difficult to be myself in pastoring this church without bringing my own touches to it. How can I be the leader God has made me to be, while doing things that others have done for a number of years? I know there is a reason why things have been done one way and I really try hard to understand and respect why things are done this way. I have a great respect for history and traditions, but at the same time I find it difficult to let go of my ideas, my wants, my ways.

I remember a few weeks ago waking up and journaling some thoughts (one of those nights I couldn't sleep). I was frustrated and did not want to let go of what I wanted. I wrote,

Why am I sent here, to such a place? [...] Pick someone stronger God. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be the cause of conflicts. I don't want to be to blame. I don't want to be like You... It's too humiliating and degrading. It's too Christ-like.

If you know me at all, you know I believe in transparency and authenticity in my life. I have spent so many years being fake and I believe it isn't a strength to pretend like everything around is going well. I'd rather be honest even though it might make me look like a mess sometimes. So, that night journaling was me pouring my honest heart out to God. But, He didn't leave it there. As soon as I finished writing, God gave me the passage in Philippians 2: 5-8 which says,

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus; who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant, being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.

I have so much left to learn...

Some background info on the last few months

2010-09-04T23:02:00.000-04:00

At the end of December, I moved back home from doing my internship in Glace Bay, NS. I was exhausted and burnt out from having done ministry and full-time school for the last 3 years and needed a break. I moved into my parents basement for a few months to hide and recuperate while I wondered where I would end up next. I had a wedding to plan and time to look for a direction for after the wedding.

In March, I decided I would send my resume out to a few churches to see what would come out of it. It didn't take long for the church of Gaspé to get back to me and ask that I come up to spend a week so they would get to know me a little. I came up for a week. Preached four times in two different languages, did hospital visitations (since one of the leaders from the church had been hospitalized for heart problems the second day I got here), led Bible studies and prayer meetings. It was a busy week - which told me how busy I would be if I ended up coming here for real. And then I went back home and waited....

And waited... People around kept asking, so where are Jeremy and you going to be moving after the wedding? I'd gently reply, 'We're still working on it. I know we're getting married in a few weeks, but it will come together.'

At the end of April, while I was on my way to Toronto for my graduation, I finally heard from the church that they wanted Jeremy and I to come up for an official interview. Since Jeremy would only be coming to New Brunswick early May, the interview had to be schedule for... yep, you guessed it, the weekend before the wedding! During that time I rushed to get my credential application in, got squeezed in for an interview for those, and worked on the finishing touches of the wedding.

May 21st finally came along, and Jeremy and I drove up to Gaspé to have a couple hours interview with the board. For 30 minutes of this interview Jeremy was with us upstairs, and for the other three hours, he hid in the basement watching the spiders eat centipedes. I couldn't believe they had us come the week before our wedding just for 30 minutes worth of question. But, that is how it works. On May 26th we heard back from the board saying that they wanted us to come back to be presented to the church on June 13th.

May 29th came along and we finally got married! It was a beautiful day exactly as I pictured it to be. The decor, the weather, the people, the food, the everything was perfect! I loved every minute of it and enjoyed the day to it's fullest.

After the wedding we packed our car with all of our camping gear, suitcases and gift baskets and went to Pokemouche for a week where we had a most beautiful little cottage. After that week we roamed around a bit trying to spend the less amount of time in my parent's basement considering we were now homeless.

On June 13th the church voted me in as their new senior pastor unanimously and on July 1st we packed up all our stuff and moved to the little apartment in the back of the church that we now call home. It's been some crazy few months and the journey to get here has asked a lot of patience and perseverance on our part. But, God did not make me to be a stubborn person for nothing.

There's a start to everything...

2010-09-04T22:02:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about starting one of these for a while now. I find myself, a few days a week, thinking that the adventures I face in my days are worth being written down in case someone else ever finds themselves in such a place. But, the only time I usually journal is when I have been laying in bed for hours and need to get what is on my mind off of it. "In that sense", I don't know how long this will last for me. But maybe the thought that out there, there is another young, newly married, living at the end of the world, woman, pastor that might need to hear the stories someone else living in the same situation has to say will help me continue. So, here is my first attempt at finding a spot to share with the world what goes on in my crazy, imperfect, filled with grace, life.