Reading and Sermons

I really want to read more. I want to be more technology savvy too and use some of the amazing resources there are on the web. There is so much information that I could benefit from having, and there are so much blogs and books that I would like to be able to read. But, I don't.

I follow a few blogs, but I have only started that not too long ago. I discovered that I could get glimpses of real good information without going through a book to find it. I also liked that I could just read shorts bits of everything and all kinds of things.

This morning I decided that I needed to have a system in place to try to manage some of the things I want to read and instead of just getting lost and distracted to focus on what I want to read. So, I tried Google reader. I don't know how much it is going to help me, but if I can figure out how it all works, it can't hurt.

I also would like to spend so much less time reading useless status off of Facebook, and instead take that time to read resources that can help me in ministry and life. So, perhaps some kind of Facebook cleaning will be necessary too. I keep one Facebook just to have contact with ministry people and some kind of public image out there to connect with the world. That's also why I decided to join Twitter, although most people I work with don't even know what a blog, or facebook, or twitter is anyway. Maybe in a few years it'll catch on!

Then, there are all those books in Jeremy's library that I really should read. I have found lately that I just don't know much at all. Answers to questions, Biblical interpretations, doctrinal issues... Writing sermons every week has me digging for information that I just either forgot about since Bible College or maybe I just didn't pay enough attention while I was reading that material.

This digging takes a lot of time that I usually don't have when I finally come up with something to write on by Thursday night. I feel that if I was more in the books I would have fresh insights that would help me write my sermons. Maybe it would be easier to come up with sermon topics if I kept my head submersed with the right information.

Any experienced pastors out there have suggestions on how I can make my sermon prep time more effective and less of a burden every week?

Changing education paradigms

A talk Jeremy found this morning. One of the reasons why I'd rather keep my kids out of the public education system. Worth the 11 minutes of your day.Ken Robinson: Changing education paradigms | Video on TED.com

Faith and Healing

I met with the surgeon today. The last time I met with one was a few years ago. After that meeting I had told God, "If you want to heal me, cancel the surgery". Not to my surprise, after passing all the tests and everything I received a phone call telling me that the surgery was canceled. I knew God could heal me, and I expected him to.

The day before I would have been supposed to have my surgery, I ended up in the hospital again in the middle of the night. I thought it was a test of faith to see if I truly believed that God had healed me. After that, I didn't have any more "attacks".

Two years later or so, after following God's leading to serve Him, I ended up twice in a row, on a hospital bed begging for some kind of pain meds. It's gone away since, but I have come to the conclusion that I am not healed. And the doctors face every time they look at my gallbladder says the same thing. "Oh.. there is quite a bit of stones in there". The one today even said that she'd be surprised if it still even works since there are so many stones in there.

For at least the past couple of years I have struggled with my health. Not many people realize how much it affects me on a daily basis. From dealing with a million tests that come up with no conclusion, to not being able to wake up in the morning, to lying on the floor in pain in the middle of the night. It's not always that bad, but some things I deal with every day. This is just not the place for me to talk about it.

I have always wondered why God would allow it to happen to me while I try so hard to simply serve him. Is he punishing me? Is he trying to teach me something? Why can't He heal me? I believe He can, but why doesn't He? You don't know how hard it is to pray for others to be healed when I question why God doesn't do it in my life.

Does that mean there is some hidden sin in my life? Does that mean that I have little faith? Does that mean I am not who God wants me to be? You better not answer yes to any of these, cause I know it's not the case. Those who blame sick people for their sickness have serious issues to take into account.

I don't know why God doesn't heal me. I don't. Sometimes I get angry at him because of it. And I have learned that it is okay. Being sick has changed me. It's made me grow and trust in ways I would have never been able to without this happening in my life. God might have permitted for this to happen in my life, but I know it was ultimately for something good. Even if I never see the results of it. Dealing with all of these issues has helped me be a more compassionate person with those who deal with chronic pain, illnesses, or doubt. Maybe one day it will bring someone to the Lord, or back to Him. 

This morning, some people would tell me that I stopped having faith in what God told me He would do. I would say, this morning I had as much faith as I had that day I received the phone call telling me my surgery was canceled. This morning I had more faith than I have had in a long time, because this morning I had faith that God was God even when He wasn't doing what I think God should be doing.

rantings...

I should probably write a post soon. Maybe when my office is done getting it's make-over I'll post some pictures. If you remember a previous post where I got new shelves. Well, those planets at the top are gone, and tomorrow the holes in the walls, the yellow walls and the dark blue ceiling is going back to outerspace, where it belongs. Instead, what I hope to be some kind of a beach feel should settle in. I sure hope it looks as good as it does in my head. I could also use some inspirations on cheap craft ideas that would work with my theme. Seriously, cheap as in free is good.

My mom's so good at that kind of stuff. You should have seen the stuff she did for my wedding. It was amazing. But, she lives too far to help me with that now. It's kind of sad. I had fun painting trees with my mom. Maybe I'll paint some trees again. I like this.

Alright, more formal, more interesting, and perhaps worth reading post to come eventually.

But, for now, it's Lie to Me time. Jeremy likes the show because the main actor is on his Manic Street Preacher's CD. I just thought you would like to know.

Small Churches Matter

I just read something somewhere about someone who gave up church planting just because they couldn't find a team of leaders to work with. It made me think about how many of us, pastors, if we would stick to this idea would give up our job just because we need to work alone. I am not judging the guy I read this off or anything, I didn't really read the whole story to be honest. But, I wonder how many people leaving Bible College and looking for a job realize that most ministry positions means moving places where team work is not really a possibility.

I often wondered how people coming out of Bible College without the real life ministry experience view what they are about to do. Growing up in a pastor's home and being in ministry throughout my years of Bible College meant that I was not going blindly into it. I knew exactly what I was getting into, and yes I wondered the whole four years why I was doing it.

I heard so many comments and ideals of ministry in Bible College. I wondered why they were teaching the stuff they did if it only really happened once or twice in some cases. I read papers by other students thinking, 'you seriously think that this is going to happen one day?' It's like when I hear all those preachers at conference telling us that our secretary should stick around when we're counseling a 'female'. My first reaction is always, ahhh.. so I should definitely be alone with a male! And then I say.. wait, you really think I have a secretary!!

Ministry is not what they tell us it is. You don't always have the opportunity to live close to family. You don't always have a chance to have the nicest things. You don't always have another pastor to share the burdens of the church with and you barely ever have a secretary to do all your paper work.

But that doesn't make it terrible. I'm just being realistic here.You know, it bothers me that because a pastor has a multi-staff / large congregation church that he gets to be the big shot. It bothers me that that's what I am supposed to aspire to. I have nothing against those in such positions and I do know that they have worked real hard to get there and God has often times placed them there. But, I would also like people to understand that pastor's are where God wants them to be even if their church has 40 people. Even if they have to work alone at developing plans for the years and visions and liturgies schedules and all that.

You learn to work with what you have. But, don't be disapointed when you end up in a church on the tip of the country somewhere without another staff member. It's part of the work. But, instead, learn to work with what you have. Learn to develop leaders where God has placed you. Learn to be the pastor you're supposed to be where you are.

I'm not saying it's an easy task. It's hard and lonely and even depressing at times. But, then you remember why you do it, you see people change and it's all worth it.

Conversational Complaints

There are days I wish everything I attempted to do would get done.
There are days I wish I was sick just so I could stay in bed all day.
There are days I wish my hair would be straight.
There are days I wish snow removal did not involve moving my car out of the way.
There are days I wish that my double chin would instantaneously disappear.
There are days I wish my body would digest any kind of food it eats.
There are days I wish I could fall asleep without lying there for 3 hours.
There are days I wish I lived in a country where it didn't snow.

But then, I remember that tomorrow is garbage day and I'm finally going to get an empty garbage bin again. And that's enough to make me happy! Makes me wonder how much I complain just to have something to say sometimes and not because I'm really concerned about any of these, for real.

Talking On the Telephone

Sometimes I wonder if I am as ackward to talk on the phone to as some people are.

I would say that most of my days are spent on the phone. But, I hate talking on the phone. I feel like you should have everything rehearsed and know exactly what you're saying as soon as the person says, Hello. It intimidates me, and makes me feel so stupid sometimes.

But then, there are the times when I talk to people and I have a list of things written in front of me that I want to say. And when I say them all in the proper timing and relaxed, I feel so smart. However, at some points it happens that I go through my list like you have no idea what the heck I'm going to do. I even forget to breath, and by the time I get to the end, if you were sitting in front of me, you'd see how red I am.

I'm not a phone person. I'd rather send you an email or bump into you somewhere. Sometimes I go out purposely so that I can run into people "accidentally" if I have something to tell them before I try phoning them.

I know, it's a problem. I don't know where it comes from. But, I'm letting you know because I thought you would like to know that.

Why am I writing?

I haven't written in a long time and I am wondering if I should keep writing or not. I have found it an asset to my ministry to have people understand where I come from in my reactions, and freeing to be able to let out my questions and ideas. But I have also realized that many people take what I say in the wrong way. This scares me for the sake of my ministry. I wouldn't want my transparency to hurt my ministry because of misunderstandings.

My ministry, the people I minister to, and the reason why I do it is extremely important to me. That is probably why I find it so difficult, because I care about it so much. I love what I do, while I hate that it takes so much out of me and that it places me in a position where I am so vulnerable. The more I invest in something the more I can get hurt.

It is troubling that people might use what I say to hurt me. As I told those close to me, those who want to hurt me will find a way whether I am transparent or not. But, I decided I don't like people having an extra reason to hurt me. Ministry is hard enough as is.

I find this extremely frustrating. The reality that although I don't want to hide what is going on in my life I have to. I find it hard to find the right balance between transparency and privacy. I have lived my whole life in the spotlight, hiding so many things, and I was rejoicing in this new found freedom.

But, I read an article in the Enrich magazine the PAOC sends me every few months and in her article, Isolated! A Paradox of Life in the Ministry, Tina Strutt says,

Many clergy have struggled with being real and have swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, causing dissension and hurt in our churches. We need to be highly tuned in to the appropriateness of what we share, and when and with whom we share it.

Isolation busting requires finding a safe place to be yourself. This is not the same as believing that you can let your hair down with just anyone. Yes, we want to be ourselves, but there are some things in our lives that require a few close confidants who are willing to support and help us process through the struggles we may be having.

I fear I am not stable enough to know what is proper to share and not. Like I am on some sort of rebound from all my years where I thought I couldn't share anything with anyone. I know that this isn't the place to share everything that is on my mind, while I would love for it to be.

My lack of real relationships and network in ministry has been fulfilled for the last few months with this blank post where I share what is going on in my life. It hasn't been working, so maybe my focus should change. Or maybe I need to stop.

This is what I do not like about being a pastor. It's not the work-load, it's not the people, it's not the spiritual battle, it's the figuring out how to properly live my life while being a pastor every hour of every day of every week of every year and for the rest of eternity.