Why am I writing?

I haven't written in a long time and I am wondering if I should keep writing or not. I have found it an asset to my ministry to have people understand where I come from in my reactions, and freeing to be able to let out my questions and ideas. But I have also realized that many people take what I say in the wrong way. This scares me for the sake of my ministry. I wouldn't want my transparency to hurt my ministry because of misunderstandings.

My ministry, the people I minister to, and the reason why I do it is extremely important to me. That is probably why I find it so difficult, because I care about it so much. I love what I do, while I hate that it takes so much out of me and that it places me in a position where I am so vulnerable. The more I invest in something the more I can get hurt.

It is troubling that people might use what I say to hurt me. As I told those close to me, those who want to hurt me will find a way whether I am transparent or not. But, I decided I don't like people having an extra reason to hurt me. Ministry is hard enough as is.

I find this extremely frustrating. The reality that although I don't want to hide what is going on in my life I have to. I find it hard to find the right balance between transparency and privacy. I have lived my whole life in the spotlight, hiding so many things, and I was rejoicing in this new found freedom.

But, I read an article in the Enrich magazine the PAOC sends me every few months and in her article, Isolated! A Paradox of Life in the Ministry, Tina Strutt says,

Many clergy have struggled with being real and have swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, causing dissension and hurt in our churches. We need to be highly tuned in to the appropriateness of what we share, and when and with whom we share it.

Isolation busting requires finding a safe place to be yourself. This is not the same as believing that you can let your hair down with just anyone. Yes, we want to be ourselves, but there are some things in our lives that require a few close confidants who are willing to support and help us process through the struggles we may be having.

I fear I am not stable enough to know what is proper to share and not. Like I am on some sort of rebound from all my years where I thought I couldn't share anything with anyone. I know that this isn't the place to share everything that is on my mind, while I would love for it to be.

My lack of real relationships and network in ministry has been fulfilled for the last few months with this blank post where I share what is going on in my life. It hasn't been working, so maybe my focus should change. Or maybe I need to stop.

This is what I do not like about being a pastor. It's not the work-load, it's not the people, it's not the spiritual battle, it's the figuring out how to properly live my life while being a pastor every hour of every day of every week of every year and for the rest of eternity.