Faith and Healing

I met with the surgeon today. The last time I met with one was a few years ago. After that meeting I had told God, "If you want to heal me, cancel the surgery". Not to my surprise, after passing all the tests and everything I received a phone call telling me that the surgery was canceled. I knew God could heal me, and I expected him to.

The day before I would have been supposed to have my surgery, I ended up in the hospital again in the middle of the night. I thought it was a test of faith to see if I truly believed that God had healed me. After that, I didn't have any more "attacks".

Two years later or so, after following God's leading to serve Him, I ended up twice in a row, on a hospital bed begging for some kind of pain meds. It's gone away since, but I have come to the conclusion that I am not healed. And the doctors face every time they look at my gallbladder says the same thing. "Oh.. there is quite a bit of stones in there". The one today even said that she'd be surprised if it still even works since there are so many stones in there.

For at least the past couple of years I have struggled with my health. Not many people realize how much it affects me on a daily basis. From dealing with a million tests that come up with no conclusion, to not being able to wake up in the morning, to lying on the floor in pain in the middle of the night. It's not always that bad, but some things I deal with every day. This is just not the place for me to talk about it.

I have always wondered why God would allow it to happen to me while I try so hard to simply serve him. Is he punishing me? Is he trying to teach me something? Why can't He heal me? I believe He can, but why doesn't He? You don't know how hard it is to pray for others to be healed when I question why God doesn't do it in my life.

Does that mean there is some hidden sin in my life? Does that mean that I have little faith? Does that mean I am not who God wants me to be? You better not answer yes to any of these, cause I know it's not the case. Those who blame sick people for their sickness have serious issues to take into account.

I don't know why God doesn't heal me. I don't. Sometimes I get angry at him because of it. And I have learned that it is okay. Being sick has changed me. It's made me grow and trust in ways I would have never been able to without this happening in my life. God might have permitted for this to happen in my life, but I know it was ultimately for something good. Even if I never see the results of it. Dealing with all of these issues has helped me be a more compassionate person with those who deal with chronic pain, illnesses, or doubt. Maybe one day it will bring someone to the Lord, or back to Him. 

This morning, some people would tell me that I stopped having faith in what God told me He would do. I would say, this morning I had as much faith as I had that day I received the phone call telling me my surgery was canceled. This morning I had more faith than I have had in a long time, because this morning I had faith that God was God even when He wasn't doing what I think God should be doing.