Thyroid issues.

Doctor called this morning. My Thyroid is low again. HALLELUJAH! I have a reason to be so tired.... this is so reassuring! I thought for a moment I was never going to get through this stage of tiredness in my life. Like, I was just lazy or something. Especially since everyone on Sunday was wondering whether I was going to pass out or not before the end of the service. Looking forward to a little more energy with the updated boost of meds.

Arts and Emotions

I am waiting for inspiration to come. I have been waiting for a while. I have done everything else that needs to be done, well pretty much. The other thing needs inspiration too, so it is also waiting. And I even shoveled our yard because the contractor's job stinks and is not worth the money we paid for him (personal opinion).

So, anyway, I have been thinking lately about emotional manipulation and arts and how we have become so good as churches to manipulate people's emotions with arts - whether that be music or pictures, etc. As an artist myself, definitely not the drawing kind though, I really struggle with this. Because, of course, arts reach emotions and that is what speaks to people and moves them. But, are we going too far in using them to manipulate reactions?

I am just thinking about our now fancy power points to worship songs instead of the plain old overhead sheet with no color background and artsy picture included. I am also thinking of the little soft music that is almost a continual play during our services, our prayers and I have even seen churches that use it during announcements! Then, there is the typical picturesque slide show, or the 'raise money for missions while everyone cries' video which always includes a picture of a starving child and soft emotional music playing. Come on, anyone who's had a little bit of hard things on there minds would start bawling there eyes out through this video.

Is it really necessary to manipulate people like that into a reaction? I will tell you very honestly that I believe the church has become so desensitized to the presence of God that it can only feel it if soft music is playing in the background. The minute silence shows up everyone gets very awkward and doesn't know what to do. I also believe that we have become so selfish (I am speaking generally here, I know not everyone is like this and I know a lot of people that are EXTREMELY generous without even an inch of manipulation) that unless we are manipulated into a reaction, we won't do anything. I think this is very sad.

I think we shouldn't need to be manipulated into a reaction, and I don't think we need to be made aware of the presence of God. Isn't His presence always there in the first place? Why don't we acknowledge him there until after we have had a few songs to warm up? Why do we need to use the arts to help meet our own needs, when God has given us these gifts to glorify him? Shouldn't these gifts - music, drawing, dancing, painting, etc - be used to glorify God and not to help bring us closer to him?

I love the arts. I love using them in the church to express our relationship with God and draw us closer to Him and glorify Him. But, I always worry that instead of using it to glorify God I only use it to get what I need out of it. As if, if people cry that the presence of God is there and I was anointed that Sunday. It reassures me to see people react emotionally. And given our love for Pentecostal alter calls, I believe many pastors feel the same way.

I have the gift of making people cry I believe. Seriously, everytime I speak, everytime I do worship, everytime I make announcements(ok, that's not true, just sometimes), people cry. Even men cry (that's crazy, I know!)! Some Sundays I lead worship and honestly I know the songs will bring a reaction out of people. I honestly pick those songs because I know they will bring people to emotionnaly react. Isn't that terrible? Why am I so drawn by physical emotional reactions?

I have grown up in church where having 2-3 hour alter calls was a normal thing. But I have also been in so many of those services where I ask people who show physical emotional reaction what God is speaking to them or spoke to them through the message and they say, I don't know. I just feel like crying. I just can't stop crying. If God isn't speaking to you and you're just crying, then what's the point? I know you can find healing in the presence of God and sometimes just resting in Him is good, but I strongly believe that the kind of environment we create is what makes people "feel" like that. God can move in 20 minutes, so if he hasn't done anything by then... get over it. You're the one that is the problem. Not God. Crying for hours on end because of the soft music that is playing is not going to make things better.

Like I have said before, I long for an authentic move of the Spirit in my life and in our church. However, this longing means that I must NOT manipulate it. It should simply happen. And it might not happen as I want it too happen, or as you want it too happen. But, lets not try to recreate something that isn't real. Lets just be in the presence of God whether there is singing or quiet or blank screens or nice pictures. Lets react to what God tells us, not to what we feel.

Comments?

I'm forgetting

In the last two days I have forgotten many things it seems. I have no recollection of a whole conversation I have had with Jeremy yesterday. I just re-watched a 20 minutes video because I thought I had not watched it before. I forgot to put the cover back on the pie just a minute ago. I forgot until late last night that I had an appointment at the hospital this morning. And, I forgot what I went to the store for yesterday.

Seriously, where did my brain go? If it weren't for my To-Do list I would probably forget what I have to do too. There seems to be a lot of things going on and I'm trying to remember all the details for it all, however it seems to not be working so great for me. It's like I never have a chance to re-organize my brain and it's starting to catch up with me. I need two days off in a row. One to rest, one to organize/clean/file.

Speaking of cleaning, I have no more clean clothes and neither does Jeremy. My kitchen was almost clean and then I did apple pies last night (I also learned that it isn't a good idea to start making pies at 8:30pm - even if you're most productive time is at night). I think I might want to do some of that and get to sermon writing and phone call making and people meeting and marriage preparations and... and... and....

This is my confused and tired look...

and all I do is preach. Sure.

I am afraid

There are not many major things I am afraid of. I am not afraid of weird little critters crawling around my bed. I am not afraid of being found alone in a foreign city. I am not afraid of being attacked by strange men while walking in the woods. I am not afraid of the water or of flying. I am sure I could go on.

But, I am afraid of somethings. I am terrified of jelly-fish after a not so pleasant experience with one as a child. I am not fond of dogs. Sometimes they scare me. What really scares me though, is driving and being driven. It is strange because if there is something I have done a lot of in my life it is driving and being driven. I have driven through snow storms, rain storms, crazy warm days and some pretty cold ones. I have driven cars in all kinds of conditions... from gear sticks held in place with some elastic straps, some cars that had no heater or fan which meant driving on the highway with the window open early mornings to get to school, and my last car had a sticky gas pedal.

Despite the many kilometers covered in vehicles in my life, it has become more and more evident in the last few weeks that I am seriously scared of being in a car. I never realized the extent to which it scared me until one day after a drive home through some pretty nasty weather, my hand was sore from holding on to the handle in the car while Jeremy was driving us home. That is what I do when I am scared in the car, I hold the handle thingy - Africa taught me that.

When I was 16 or so, I was rear ended while driving. It scared me and hurt me (and my little sister and friend also). Then, a few years later it happened again when I was in Ethiopia. Nothing too serious, but it brought back everything I had finally started to get over. Then last winter I lost control of my car on the highway during a snow storm, made a 360 and ended up in the snow bank. That was enough for me. I don't think I could handle another crash.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a kids program we are re-starting at a school about thirty minutes from here. The weather is kind of rainy, and foggy and my car has really bad lights (even though they've been changed). I should also add that our car hasn't really been fixed, we just took it back until Monday when we will exchange it for a nice new 2007 Corolla! (Hopefully having a reliable car will remove some of my fear) Anyway, on my way there I met a fog patch so thick that I could not see one meter in front of me. The thought that my car might break down in the middle of the road and someone might come behind me and not see me there only to run me over was enough for me to find the first drive way (the safest one too) and turn around.

I seriously get so scared at points that, it's not safe for me to be driving (ask Jeremy). I'm hoping that the new car gives me a new confidence - at least in the car if not in the weather - to be able to go out more than what I have been. But please, be patient with me when roads are iffy, if there might possibly in the slightest chance be black ice somewhere, if it is dark outside and it is raining, if there is fog and I cannot see where I am going. I am afraid! So much so that it makes everything in me tremble. Why? Because if you hit me and I get hurt, it hurts! If I slip off the road and cannot get out, I have no way of reaching anyone other than hoping someone shows up. If my car breaks down, I don't know what to do.

I know some people are brave and they don't care what kind of weather there is, they are good drivers! Good for them! I don't want to hear it. I'm scared! I'm terrified! I cry just thinking about it! I really don't like driving, especially winter driving. And yes, I told that to God before he sent me to Gaspé! So if you have a problem with me canceling winter events, take it up with Him. 

Prayer

I woke up this morning with a sens of peace. It should be a quite busy day giving I have to get ready for tomorrow's service, but still I have peace. And as I sit here, I am calm and relaxed and not worried at all about what tomorrow might bring. Hopefully this stays and doesn't mean that I'll be rushing to get things done later on tonight. I'm going to get to work in just a bit, so that shouldn't be the case.

Moments like these are moments when I know people are praying for me. I know a lot of people are constantly praying for me, but there have been moments like these in my life where I have stopped and realized, someone must be praying for me right now.

I received an email from another pastor this week telling me that he and his wife would be praying for me all month. What a blessing! I know that many others have been praying for me and I want to take this chance to say thank you. It really does make a difference!

I have always believed that the only thing that kept me close to God throughout my life has been my Father's prayers for me. And then, as a reminder, just last night as we were praying about the car situation, Jeremy prayed if they want us to have this new car, let them give it to us for this price. And, of course that is what happened! A miracle I must say!

So, never think that the smallest, most insignificant prayer is useless. God hears your cries, and he hears mine. Keep praying!

Keeping up.

I thought I would write to you, while I wait to go back to the garage to see what is really wrong with the car. Since the 3 hours we spent there yesterday apparently did not change anything to the car condition. Did I say, it's always my luck that this sort of thing happens. I can never just get things done once.

It has been one of those weeks... I know I have a lot of those lately. I promise my life really isn't all that bad, at times. But, as Jeremy says, you have to do something just to cope with what is going on even if it isn't all that bad. So, I'm writing about it.

Since Monday morning, waking up to a not so great feeling of, I have a ton of things to do today and I just want to sleep, then leaving home without my guitar and chords after spending two hours finding chords to Christmas music for our Bible Study 1:30 away from here to which someone else had to pick me up and drive me back because my car's been acting up. And that was only Monday which was followed by a very unproductive yet productive Tuesday or prayer and fasting. It's good to take time for that, I know it. But the list of things I normally get done on Tuesday was not done. And on Wednesday we spent the afternoon at the garage, after having taken some of the morning to prepare for a Bible study that was canceled due to bad weather. And today, is Thursday... which we just started the car to notice that it wasn't fixed after spending a bunch of money on it two days ago! So, back we go to the garage this afternoon and another day of nothing has been done. Tomorrow we go to the doctors, lets just hope the lack of time to get anything done will be worth it... and they don't tell me I've got some weird disease or anything strange again!

I have been feeling gross all week. I'm so tired and feel like I can't keep up with anything. The sun going down at 3pm is not making things better. It's December and there is so much to do. It's our first Christmas together and I want to decorate and make it special and what not. I want to take a day to bake with people. I want to go visit potential friends. I want to write great sermons about Jesus. I want to sing amazing songs and have great Christmas programs. But, I keep telling myself, maybe this full time ministry thing is too much for me to handle.

Because... I can't keep up. And it might be because I sleep in too much - I have seriously gotten better at it though, just perhaps not this week! Or it might be because I don't delegate enough. Or maybe I just don't realize how many things have to be done before they have to be done. Anyhow... my week is a mess. Of not very much accomplished.

And I feel bad. I feel like I'm letting God down. I feel like I'm letting the people here down. I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel like I don't deserve the pay check this week. I really haven't done the work I'm supposed to do.

But why are we so pressed to get things done? As if next month it'll be too late to celebrate Jesus' birth? As if we don't do Bible study this week everyone is going to crumble and fall away from the Lord? Let's be honest, no one really feels like going to Bible study when the roads are possibly slippery anyways! When am I going to say that and believe it? Why do I feel like every week I need to add something and add something and add something? No wonder we burn out... but I believe my fear of burning out paralyzes me the minute I get tired. Is that possible?

Okay.. I'm ranting and I need to go back to the garage now. But, feel free to comment on this.. I finally fixed the comments thing on the blog. What do you think?