Adventures of a Lifetime

This week has been a week of running the roads quite a bit. Once a month we have a Bible Study in a home about an hour and a half away from here, and we also had a ministerial meeting for our region which just happens to be four hours away! So, in two days I drove about eleven hours - something I used to do quite often in the past, but which I am not very fond of all that much anymore. (maybe if I had a better car I wouldn't mind it so much though)

Most of my life I have been called an adventurous person. I first left home at 14 for a summer to go babysit my cousin in Montreal. I took the train a few times to go meet some friends in Montreal for a couple of weeks. I lived in Quebec city one summer working for Young Canada Works. I used to go on trips almost every weekends with friends and family. Traveling was one of my favorite things to do.

My first year of College I went across the country to Abbotsford, BC and didn't come back until the following May. We finished that year off with a trip to the Czech Republic for 3 weeks and when we got back home I was in the works to raise enough money to go spend 3 months in Ethiopia. By the time I was 20, I had done most of my life dreams - all except being married and having kids. (I told you I was a get it done kind of person!) Looking back on it now, I don't know why I was in such a rush to try and get everything done so soon.

I just recently have tried to compare my life experience to that of others in terms of years and have realized how the 24 years that I have been alive really do not even form the majority of what some people have lived. I keep thinking my life is full of adventures, twists, turns and all; but, then I put it in comparison to someone who has been alive for 65 years and I wonder what I will have to say when I am there.

The reason why I have tried doing this is simply because most people to whom I do ministry are, well lets just say older than me. I have been told that it will require a lot of effort on my part (and patience) to try and understand where people come from given my age. I also have to be careful how I express myself since my 24 years of experience are nothing compared to that of others. I do want to be respectful, understanding and even appreciative of the wealth in history that people bring to the church and because of that it is important for me to try and imagine how much of that they really have. For some reason, I think that in order to realize this, I have to not only see the person as a 45 year old person or more... I have to think like a 45 year old person. So, this is my attempt at it.

I'm looking forward to the new and numerous experiences still to come in my life, but I am learning to let them come as they do. I have many years to live all kinds of new adventures and if I never have the chance to live them, I can learn from those who did.

Sermon writing

Let's be honest here, I've been walking around the house for quite a while now, instead of getting to work on my sermon for Sunday. Hey, I even baked muffins and picked up the living room. I would like to be all spiritual with you and tell you that every week God absolutely inspires me and I know exactly what to preach and it just flows all naturally. Truth is, doesn't happen that way for me. Some weeks it does! Most weeks, it does not. I usually have a theme or a verse or a general idea, but when it comes to putting it down on paper, I end up fighting with myself to type it out.

Which brings me to my next point. You know those people who can write 2-3 verses down and then stand in front of a church and preach for 30 minutes... how do they do it? I have a hard enough time finding things to say to people in general conversation for more than 5 minutes, never mind coming up with a whole sermon unprepared. I have been taught that a good sermon requires at least a good 8-10 hours of preparation. Some people even say that you should spend one hour per minute of speaking. (that's impossible unless sermon prep is all you do in a week!) I like to think that normally I put in quite a bit of work into my sermons and I believe that it is very important to come prepared if I am going to have the opportunity to share about God and have complete attention from people for 25 minutes week after week. However, I'd like it if I could have the same kind of depth in a sermon with the 5-20 minutes preparation it takes to write down 2-3 verses on a piece of paper.

I was talking with people yesterday about this. And, to be honest, while the girl (here's to you Melissa) who writes down 2-3 verses was explaining how easy she finds it to come up with a sermon that people remember even after a number of years, I got a little jealous. I then attempted to prove why I needed to spend more time in preparation and try to show why my sermons had to be more profound because of the crowd I was preaching to. While all of this was happening, I was fighting with myself to stop trying to prove I was better and let it go. The battle with pride is such a hard one to fight...

And so I wonder, maybe pride is one of the reasons why writing my sermons is so hard. You see, I want to write something that sounds good, that is deep, that is going to change people, that is going to inspire them to leave the place and be amazing witnesses for Christ. That is so much pressure on my shoulders for one sermon! I constantly fight with my pride when writing. I forget that it is not what I say that changes people, it is the living Word of God that changes people. Perhaps if I focused on that instead of on sounding amazing, writing would come easier. But... as I said, it's a constant battle.

random thoughts of the day...

It appears this blogging thing is not my first priority as it has been put off in the last few weeks. I suppose that is a good thing - because I would have to question myself if blogging was more important than everything else in my life. Especially since it often time feels like I am writing about myself so much and what is going on in my life - you know the "I HAVE to let people know everything I am doing" feeling. Not my first priority - phew! Now I feel releaved to write this post.

So, it is Friday afternoon, and to be honest I have not had that busy of a week. Jeremy's parents left on Wednesday, and I have done quite a bit of administrative work the rest of the week. After years of putting together worship binders for others, I decided it was time that I got my own done. So I went through my bag of sheet music and what not and categorized them, punched holes in them and put them in my pretty new white binder. I find this strange satisfaction from organizing stuff. I don't do it very often, but when I do.. oh I love the feeling of accomplishment. Yes, I am one of those persons that makes lists just to be able to cross things off of it when they are done. I LOVE getting things done!

Speaking of getting things done, check out my new bookshelf that my father-in-law took apart from the dungeon office in the basement and put into mine. It needs painting and re-organizing, but I'm excited that my office looks semi-professional. Minus the planet boarder and the yellow walls... that will change eventually. 

On another note, I have discovered that I am extremely bothered by people who are not honest with themselves and with others. You know that feeling when people are talking to you and you know they are lying; but, what can you do? I have not really thoughts about it much yet, but I am hoping to try to discover why it is I am bothered so much with dishonesty. I just wish people would know that it is okay for you to tell me straight up how you feel. I am strong enough to take it and even if I crumble at the thought of it, I will get over it. Just tell me the truth, please.

I have also discovered that I am a minority. (I made myself laugh there...) I am a woman, senior pastor, and young. Seriously, is there anyone else out there in my position? When I get into groups of pastors, it hits me more than ever. I am always the odd one out. I have always been and I am not bothered by it, but I wonder why. Why isn't there any other people in my shoes? I'm just a normal person and I'm not even all that spiritual, or mature, or whatever you would like to call it. So, why me?

Just a few of my thoughts for the day. We have a mission team in this weekend and so I get to go to the Catholic Church tomorrow for a worship service they are putting on there. I am so excited to do something outside of our church! They're also doing our French service here. Hopefully everything goes well.

To end, enjoy some of the beautiful scenery from this gorgeous city! :)

In-laws and Jesus

Jeremy's parents have been with us for the last few days, and it has been great to have them around. They are great people and I am so lucky to have them as my in-laws! My mother in law and I have tested out my bread machine and figured out that it doesn't work that great when trying to bake bread in the machine itself. But, we did manage to get two yummy loaves cooked in the oven. My father in law has changed most of the old plug-ins in the house, taken down my air conditioner from the window upstairs, and took us to get my slow leek in my tire fixed "again". (I think I need new tires and rims; but a new car altogether would be nice. Just make sure it's bought IN Quebec). Now that most of the house work has been done, I'm praying that the sun comes out so that we can show them around this beautiful place we live in. (No, I didn't plan it that way!)

Although this week has been very nice, I have truly felt like I have been in the middle of a battle, spiritually. Some weeks ministry is harder than others. Some weeks people aren't exactly pleased with you. Some weeks you have to make decisions that are hard to make. I know it is part of the job: but seriously, does anyone like to be rejected and accused?

I suppose you'll answer, well Jesus was like that and so it comes back to my 'gah.. being like Jesus again!' I know I know...

So, if you are out there and reading this. Pray for me. Because, I need it. This battle is hard to fight and some weeks I don't feel strong enough to do it. This is one of those weeks.

Being a Wife

Mondays are the days I stop being a pastor and become a wife. Not that both roles can't coincide, but it's sometimes hard to do both at the same time. I suppose this is also influenced by my ideal vision of what a wife should do. I might be a little traditional in this idea that a wife cooks and cleans and takes care of the babies. When I'm on the phone, doing paper work, studying, out doing visitations...  my house usually looks like a mess, my meals aren't all that appetizing, and lets just say it's a good thing I don't have babies yet.

Jeremy has been quite good with it. After spending the day in Matane last week for district meetings, I came home to a spotless house that needed some serious cleaning. He's been a great help! But, in all honesty, I cannot wait for the day when I'm a stay at home mom. Circumstances in our life have lead us to be in the place we are now - where I have to work and Jeremy fills the 'pastor's wife' role; but, I have no opposition to it changing one day. Understand that I know I'm blessed to have this job where I can actually be flexible enough to work from home, or from the beach, or bake a meal as I prepare my sermon. It's a blessing to have a job - period!

But, seriously, how do families where both parents work full-time actually do it? Anyway.. side note!

Back to today. Today was a day of cleaning and preparing for the visit of the in-laws! Jeremy's parents are coming tomorrow and so we have been scrubbing and dusting and organizing stuff most of the day. My clothes line was full. (My clothes line needs some serious fixing as it drags my clothes through the bushes we have because it's too lose! Another thing on the to do list.) We also tried fitting a massive King size foam into one of our tiny bedrooms upstairs. After some re-organizing we succeeded only to realize that finding sheets and blankets big enough would be another story. We'll see how things turn out tomorrow I suppose.

Jeremy also put up our new Quebec license plate that after spending over 700$ in inspections and worthless inspections and replacing breaks (cause this city is built on a mountain!) and traveling to this garage and that garage and dealing on the phone with a bunch of ..... anyway! Let me tell you that the "Je me souviens" (I remember) written on the plate is going to make me recall this complicated annoying experience every time I see it. Not my fondest moment of Quebec. The challenges of culture shock - you think you're moving to another country or something!

But, after our full day, I cooked us some fish and we sat down to watch Master Chef New Zealand together! I was so excited to finally succeed at cooking fish without over cooking and butchering it! Jeremy's favorite meal is fish (and trust me, there aren't many things Jeremy likes so I better do it good). But, the first time I tried cooking it I completely massacred the thing. I've never been a terrible cook, but I guess I've never really been pushed to cook outside of what I normally like to do. There's another place where I have got some learning to do and that's where Master Chef comes in. We love watching those competitive cooking shows: Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, Master Chef, etc...

It's so nice to have a day a week just to be a couple. As we were doing the dishes together today, I was thinking to myself how much I enjoy having someone to spend my days with. Someone that listens to me ramble and complain about this and that. Someone who helps me mop the floors and dry the dishes. This being married thing has been a big adjustment in my life - to be honest again; and the more I get used to it the more I love it! I love being a wife!

Sundays...

The biggest day of the week for me is always Sunday. Leading a bilingual church means we have an English service at 9:00 and a French one at 11:00. From 8:30 to 1:00 I'm fully in my element. The weeks - like this week - that I don't need to lead worship on top of preaching twice make it a lot easier and less exhausting. But, usually I end up crashing Sunday afternoon for a few hours. I don't know why, but preaching takes so much out of me. I don't know if it is because my heart is fully involved in what I try to share, if it's the spiritual battle that comes with it, or if it just takes a lot of energy. All I know is when I'm done my brain turns off.

Leading a bilingual church comes with quite a few challenges I have discovered. It truly feels like I have two different churches. They are distinct in culture, traditions, challenges and directions. I have yet to discover the proper way to deal with the challenges of pastoring one church of two congregations.

Take this morning, for example. I normally preach the same sermon that I have translated from English to French. My sermon this morning really could take a few different twists depending on where I decided to place the emphasis. After leading the English service in one direction, I got to the French one and discovered that the people in that service where at a totally different place than the English people. On the spot adjusting was definitely necessary... (Why I hadn't thought about it while I was writing it escapes me.... something else to work on!)

Every week I seem to learn something new. I wonder if I will ever have it all together one of these days. I look at people that have been pastors for some 30 years and sometimes I wonder what they would do if they were where I am today. A lot of them have told me that I shouldn't change anything for a number of months, if not years. But, I find it difficult to be myself in pastoring this church without bringing my own touches to it. How can I be the leader God has made me to be, while doing things that others have done for a number of years? I know there is a reason why things have been done one way and I really try hard to understand and respect why things are done this way. I have a great respect for history and traditions, but at the same time I find it difficult to let go of my ideas, my wants, my ways.

I remember a few weeks ago waking up and journaling some thoughts (one of those nights I couldn't sleep). I was frustrated and did not want to let go of what I wanted. I wrote,

Why am I sent here, to such a place? [...] Pick someone stronger God. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be the cause of conflicts. I don't want to be to blame. I don't want to be like You... It's too humiliating and degrading. It's too Christ-like.

 If you know me at all, you know I believe in transparency and authenticity in my life. I have spent so many years being fake and I believe it isn't a strength to pretend like everything around is going well. I'd rather be honest even though it might make me look like a mess sometimes. So, that night journaling was me pouring my honest heart out to God. But, He didn't leave it there. As soon as I finished writing, God gave me the passage in Philippians 2: 5-8 which says,

 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus; who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant, being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.

 I have so much left to learn...

Some background info on the last few months

At the end of December, I moved back home from doing my internship in Glace Bay, NS. I was exhausted and burnt out from having done ministry and full-time school for the last 3 years and needed a break. I moved into my parents basement for a few months to hide and recuperate while I wondered where I would end up next. I had a wedding to plan and time to look for a direction for after the wedding.

In March, I decided I would send my resume out to a few churches to see what would come out of it. It didn't take long for the church of Gaspé to get back to me and ask that I come up to spend a week so they would get to know me a little. I came up for a week. Preached four times in two different languages, did hospital visitations (since one of the leaders from the church had been hospitalized for heart problems the second day I got here), led Bible studies and prayer meetings. It was a busy week - which told me how busy I would be if I ended up coming here for real. And then I went back home and waited....

And waited... People around kept asking, so where are Jeremy and you going to be moving after the wedding? I'd gently reply, 'We're still working on it. I know we're getting married in a few weeks, but it will come together.'

At the end of April, while I was on my way to Toronto for my graduation, I finally heard from the church that they wanted Jeremy and I to come up for an official interview. Since Jeremy would only be coming to New Brunswick early May, the interview had to be schedule for... yep, you guessed it, the weekend before the wedding! During that time I rushed to get my credential application in, got squeezed in for an interview for those, and worked on the finishing touches of the wedding.

May 21st finally came along, and Jeremy and I drove up to Gaspé to have a couple hours interview with the board. For 30 minutes of this interview Jeremy was with us upstairs, and for the other three hours, he hid in the basement watching the spiders eat centipedes. I couldn't believe they had us come the week before our wedding just for 30 minutes worth of question. But, that is how it works. On May 26th we heard back from the board saying that they wanted us to come back to be presented to the church on June 13th.

May 29th came along and we finally got married! It was a beautiful day exactly as I pictured it to be. The decor, the weather, the people, the food, the everything was perfect! I loved every minute of it and enjoyed the day to it's fullest.

After the wedding we packed our car with all of our camping gear, suitcases and gift baskets and went to Pokemouche for a week where we had a most beautiful little cottage. After that week we roamed around a bit trying to spend the less amount of time in my parent's basement considering we were now homeless.

On June 13th the church voted me in as their new senior pastor unanimously and on July 1st we packed up all our stuff and moved to the little apartment in the back of the church that we now call home. It's been some crazy few months and the journey to get here has asked a lot of patience and perseverance on our part. But, God did not make me to be a stubborn person for nothing.

There's a start to everything...

I have been thinking about starting one of these for a while now. I find myself, a few days a week, thinking that the adventures I face in my days are worth being written down in case someone else ever finds themselves in such a place. But, the only time I usually journal  is when I have been laying in bed for hours and need to get what is on my mind off of it. "In that sense", I don't know how long this will last for me. But maybe the thought that out there, there is another young, newly married, living at the end of the world, woman, pastor that might need to hear the stories someone else living in the same situation has to say will help me continue. So, here is my first attempt at finding a spot to share with the world what goes on in my crazy, imperfect, filled with grace, life.