Six Months of Married Life

It is hard to believe that it has already been six months since our wedding day. Yet, at the same time, it kind of feels like there has been a lot going on since then. The move, the new job, the adjustment to spending every day together, the change of roles and responsibilities... it was all a little bit much at the same time. But it has been six good months of learning a lot!

Since most of our relationship before the wedding day was through phone, webcam, or emails, it has been interesting to get to know Jeremy face to face. We knew so much about each other because of the hours on end of talking to each other for a few years, but I have gotten to know how he lives out who he is on a daily basis in the last 6 months.

There is no doubt about it, he is an interesting and unique person. I knew this about him from the first debate we ever had in our Pentateuch course. And when he'd fall asleep on the phone at 4am cause I couldn't sleep, and then wake up at 5am to go to work I knew he was worth keeping. Even if he was a little strange at times and had ideas no one else had, I loved how he made me think about everything I said and thought. I loved how he was always honest with me, perhaps too much at times. I loved how he didn't try to be someone else, but was just so "raw". There is no pretending with him, he is who you see. But, what I truly loved about him was something most people never see. The heart behind the intellect.

I love that before I got to see him live every day, I got to see the heart behind who he is. I love that I know he cares more about people than any of us pretend to. I love that I know his relationship with God is more profound than all of our spiritual sounding songs and prayers. I love that I know that nothing in the world could shake what he believes to be true.

When you start getting to know a person based on what you see them do every day, the heart gets clouded by the routine. If I had spent the last 3 years being by Jeremy's side I would have known that he likes to eat Pizza Pockets, likes walking through church in his underwear (oh yah.. it's true!), plays a lot of video games, and types faster than anyone I've ever seen. But, I wouldn't have worked so hard at trying to understand this incredibly amazing man. Only by being miles away from him, for so long, did I work so hard at understanding who the man behind the mundane everyday Pizza Pocket eating, Starcraft playing, underwear walking man truly was. And trust me, I don't think I would have enjoyed the last six months so much if I didn't know what I know about him before hand. It really hasn't been all that easy. But being married to Jeremy is the best part of my life. He drives me crazy some days, but he keeps me sane most of the other days.

Weirdos

On Friday night, as I was on the couch watching TV and eating some popcorn with Jeremy some man showed up at our door looking for our prayer meeting. The minute I opened the door, I knew it was trouble.
The discussion went like this:

- man, "is there a pastor here?"
- me, "I am the pastor. Can I help you?"
- man, "Is there a man pastor here?"
- me, "no sir, I'm the pastor here, can I help you?"

He then went on to say how the people that had sent him here had told him about a prayer meeting on Friday nights at our church (which used to happen but has been changed for a few weeks now) and that they told him there was a pastor there. But, they didn't say anything about a woman pastor he said. And, apparently through this little visit he knew what he needed to know about our church and what happens here.

He said, "it's not for nothing I came here tonight. I got the information I needed. I go from church to church and when I see false doctrine in churches I need to correct them. Do you know if there was another prophet to which God revealed himself after the Old Testament? John the Baptist is the last prophet and his words need to be heard by all. I am here to make his words heard. When I see bad practices being taught in churches like women getting their hair cut and wearing jewelery, I have the duty to correct them. If they don't listen, God will punish them as he has punished all those that have chosen to not listen to my teachings before."

Let's just say, not the way you want to spend your Friday night. But, I live in a church. So people can find me, quite easily. Too easily. Anyway... I told the man that if he showed up at my church and tried correcting people that I wouldn't put up with that. So he better be ready for my reaction if he tries doing that. I told myself, he's just another weirdo wanting to cause trouble so I might as well get rid of him now.

As Sunday morning came around I thought for sure he would show up this morning. I warned the board members to be prepared if I kicked someone out this morning. Jeremy even wore his shoes in case he had to bring him outside. I was all ready in case this weirdo showed up.

Growing up in a pastor's home, I have seen my share of weirdos. We always called them like that - people who only look for trouble and think they know what is right. I have almost had my mind made up about how to react with these people. That you should always beware of them and not let them get a feet in the door or else they will attempt to run the show and take over everything.

But, being the doubter that I am, I have to ask myself if that is right? Seriously, should I have closed the door in the man's face or should I have invited him in? Should have I given him a chance to come to church and wait until he does something wrong to correct him? How would have Jesus reacted to him?

I really don't know the answer to this one. It is the conflict between good leadership and grace. Dealing with people is never easy. Dealing with weird people is even harder.

Friends...

I have never been one with many friends. I was not in the 'popular' group at school. I was not even in the 'reject' group for most years - or maybe I was and I didn't really know it. I was just kind of myself. I was the Christian kid, who always walked around with a huge instrument - in most cases a bassoon. Seriously, who plays the bassoon?! For a few years I tried fitting in, but it didn't really work anyway, so I stopped doing that. I wore what I wanted to wear, spoke when I wanted to speak, and joined in when I wanted to join in.

It wasn't easy. I probably have a lot of issues with people today due to my lack of normal relationships as a kid and teenager. I always felt like I was at least 10 years older than everyone else around me and in the back of my head I really wanted to have just one friend. One normal person that would understand me and that I could enjoy being with.

I have always wondered what friends were for. Keep me busy when I'm bored? Be there when I need to vent? Help me out when I need help? Just being there... what's the point of that? I remember one girl I was hanging out with telling me that we could almost be best friends now cause we had been spending a good deal of time together. I replied: «I don't have best friends». And that was the end of that.

I have always wondered why people want the nice people, the cool people, the normal people to be their friends. But, when someone is a little different, a little bit of an emotional mess, a little of an annoying person, than they don't want to be their friends. And anyone who is their friend must be strange too. Like, 'How can you be friends with them?!' type of thing.

But, what's the point of friends? Who did Jesus befriend? And why did Jesus have friends? Okay, he had his disciples, but if I remember they sure weren't the coolest people around before they became his disciples. And then he had all those sinners and that weird guy Zacchaeus. The point of his friendships was to help people grow and show them love. And in return he appreciated the company and he grew closer to them. He learned to appreciate them.

I'm tired of being looked at strangely because I don't try real hard at having friends. I'm tired of being accused of not being normal because my friends aren't always normal. What is normal, seriously? Because my friends that I do have, have been more faithful than other people that have come into my life. Have been more faithful than the friends I have tried to have from the other group.

Because I have tried. Tried to be normal. Tried to be in. I just don't fit there. Should I fit there? Why don't I fit there?

I have a friend. Well, I have two, but the other one is now my husband so he doesn't really count anymore. But, I have a friend who has been there throughout the years. Been there when I needed a place to sleep only to go visit other people. Been there when I needed to cry. Been there when I needed to get drunk and stopped me from it. Been there when I needed to vent, been there when I needed to laugh. I have a friend, and I love my friend. She might not be the most stable person on earth, she might not be the most socially acceptable person on earth neither. But I love her like that, because I'm not always stable, and I'm not always socially acceptable... and neither are YOU!

I don't know!

I have always been the kind of person that talks as if I know what I'm talking about no matter what it is I'm talking about. Most people ask me things and when I answer they believe what I say as if I always knew what the answer was. I don't know where I acquired this skill - or is it a skill? Skill or not, it turned out to be very practical in the role I play today.

It seems like being a pastor requires you to know how to do everything. You need to know how to prepare a service, preach, teach, do funerals, weddings, counsel people, work and fix sound gear, fix the computer and keep everything up to date, take care of children, youth, seniors, and on top of that take care of the maintenance of the building.

But, as I was painting the walls yesterday and pretended like I knew what had to be done, I realized it's not so good to pretend when it is very clear you don't know how to do it. And then when I met with people and heard of their situation I realized once again, I don't really know what to do here. And then when I came back home from Bible study after a 12 hour work day and saw that the roof (not the roof, the ceiling of the 2nd floor) was leaking, I realized once again that I don't really know what to do here.

Someone suggested I read a book on how to recruit volunteers. And I must say, I am an expert at that task. One thing I know how to do is delegate... but you still need to know what to do when you delegate to someone else. For example, they were waiting for me to give directions yesterday while we were painting. I say go and I say yes and I say no (pretend the Beatles are singing here). But, what about when I don't know what is the best thing to do?

I could be all spiritual and say God inspires me and tells me what to do and how to do it and that is why I know what to do. But, I'm not all that spiritual most of the time. I kind of pretend I know and people believe me and away we go.

But, what happens if in 3 years the roof collapses because I told them what to do but it wasn't the right thing to do? What if the people I agree to marry get divorced in a few years because I told them I knew what to do? What if the walls turn out ugly? What if the sound gear breaks down one day because I pretended all these years I knew what I was doing? What if teenagers turn out a total mess? What if kids never come back to Christ? What if husbands never change? What if the next pastor comes and says, "did she even do anything while she was here? What if....?

The pressure of being in this kind of situation makes my head spin. I need to know, I don't know, I pretend I know, I live in fear of failing. Too much stress for a 24 year old I must say. So what should I do? ..... I really don't know!

Days Like That...

Some days I lose it. Some weeks I lose it. Some times I just can't deal with all the questions in my head and so I must find a way to let it out. Most of the times, I end up taking it out on Jeremy. Not that he doesn't ask for it. But on days like that, you shouldn't ask for it. Just saying...

Some times, I have weeks like that. When all I feel like doing is sleeping. Should I feel guilty about it? Because I do... which makes those weeks the most annoying weeks I go through. But, it is often times the result of doubts never being answered, of over doing it for the last few weeks, and lack of vitamin D. 


Is it wrong, that I feel guilty to take care of myself? Is it wrong that I feel bad to answer the phone and say "yes, I was sleeping and it is 11am"? The problem with this job is it's lack of description. I feel like I do nothing, but I feel like I'm always doing something. The fact that I work from home makes it even worse. There is no days "off" unless I go out and don't come back for the whole day.


I wonder why other people can do what they do and not feel so overwhelmed. What is it about me that causes me to be so lazy, is what I ask myself all the time? But, am I truly lazy? Is that the problem? Or have I been lied to by all them peoples out there....


I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for relief. I'm just trying to understand.

Monday...

I just got back from my aqua-fit class, spent an extra few minutes in the sauna and now all I want to do it sleep. But, it's a busy Monday. Since I've been away for the last 3 Mondays basically, the house work has pilled up... literally... on my bedroom floor. I have way too much laundry to do, and I hate the fact that it is upstairs and I need to bring it downstairs and sort through it all and then bring it back upstairs to dry once it's washed. But, at least I don't have to drive to a laundromat and all that goes along with that.

Later on today we're going to get the winter tires put on the car and then we need to do groceries, cause Jeremy is really fed up with me only having soup to offer him for the last week. Oh, sometimes I wished he ate a bigger variety of stuff. Make my life easier to feed him leftovers.Ok.. so maybe 5 days of soup is enough to make anyone tired of it, but at least we have something to eat, right?

I'm tired, again. And tired means complaining. Maybe I should get my thyroid checked again. Speaking of which.. I need to make us a doctors appointment. Here's another think I wished. I wish Jeremy spoke French. Then he could call places, and go places without me. It doesn't bug me to do all of that for him because I do sympathize with him not speaking the language, but it's a lot to have to take care of everything.

I suppose it could be worse though, so I shall pick myself up, maybe get a cup of coffee and start filing up baskets of clothes upstairs!