Sundays...

The biggest day of the week for me is always Sunday. Leading a bilingual church means we have an English service at 9:00 and a French one at 11:00. From 8:30 to 1:00 I'm fully in my element. The weeks - like this week - that I don't need to lead worship on top of preaching twice make it a lot easier and less exhausting. But, usually I end up crashing Sunday afternoon for a few hours. I don't know why, but preaching takes so much out of me. I don't know if it is because my heart is fully involved in what I try to share, if it's the spiritual battle that comes with it, or if it just takes a lot of energy. All I know is when I'm done my brain turns off.

Leading a bilingual church comes with quite a few challenges I have discovered. It truly feels like I have two different churches. They are distinct in culture, traditions, challenges and directions. I have yet to discover the proper way to deal with the challenges of pastoring one church of two congregations.

Take this morning, for example. I normally preach the same sermon that I have translated from English to French. My sermon this morning really could take a few different twists depending on where I decided to place the emphasis. After leading the English service in one direction, I got to the French one and discovered that the people in that service where at a totally different place than the English people. On the spot adjusting was definitely necessary... (Why I hadn't thought about it while I was writing it escapes me.... something else to work on!)

Every week I seem to learn something new. I wonder if I will ever have it all together one of these days. I look at people that have been pastors for some 30 years and sometimes I wonder what they would do if they were where I am today. A lot of them have told me that I shouldn't change anything for a number of months, if not years. But, I find it difficult to be myself in pastoring this church without bringing my own touches to it. How can I be the leader God has made me to be, while doing things that others have done for a number of years? I know there is a reason why things have been done one way and I really try hard to understand and respect why things are done this way. I have a great respect for history and traditions, but at the same time I find it difficult to let go of my ideas, my wants, my ways.

I remember a few weeks ago waking up and journaling some thoughts (one of those nights I couldn't sleep). I was frustrated and did not want to let go of what I wanted. I wrote,

Why am I sent here, to such a place? [...] Pick someone stronger God. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be the cause of conflicts. I don't want to be to blame. I don't want to be like You... It's too humiliating and degrading. It's too Christ-like.

 If you know me at all, you know I believe in transparency and authenticity in my life. I have spent so many years being fake and I believe it isn't a strength to pretend like everything around is going well. I'd rather be honest even though it might make me look like a mess sometimes. So, that night journaling was me pouring my honest heart out to God. But, He didn't leave it there. As soon as I finished writing, God gave me the passage in Philippians 2: 5-8 which says,

 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus; who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant, being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.

 I have so much left to learn...