Thyroid issues.

Doctor called this morning. My Thyroid is low again. HALLELUJAH! I have a reason to be so tired.... this is so reassuring! I thought for a moment I was never going to get through this stage of tiredness in my life. Like, I was just lazy or something. Especially since everyone on Sunday was wondering whether I was going to pass out or not before the end of the service. Looking forward to a little more energy with the updated boost of meds.

Arts and Emotions

I am waiting for inspiration to come. I have been waiting for a while. I have done everything else that needs to be done, well pretty much. The other thing needs inspiration too, so it is also waiting. And I even shoveled our yard because the contractor's job stinks and is not worth the money we paid for him (personal opinion).

So, anyway, I have been thinking lately about emotional manipulation and arts and how we have become so good as churches to manipulate people's emotions with arts - whether that be music or pictures, etc. As an artist myself, definitely not the drawing kind though, I really struggle with this. Because, of course, arts reach emotions and that is what speaks to people and moves them. But, are we going too far in using them to manipulate reactions?

I am just thinking about our now fancy power points to worship songs instead of the plain old overhead sheet with no color background and artsy picture included. I am also thinking of the little soft music that is almost a continual play during our services, our prayers and I have even seen churches that use it during announcements! Then, there is the typical picturesque slide show, or the 'raise money for missions while everyone cries' video which always includes a picture of a starving child and soft emotional music playing. Come on, anyone who's had a little bit of hard things on there minds would start bawling there eyes out through this video.

Is it really necessary to manipulate people like that into a reaction? I will tell you very honestly that I believe the church has become so desensitized to the presence of God that it can only feel it if soft music is playing in the background. The minute silence shows up everyone gets very awkward and doesn't know what to do. I also believe that we have become so selfish (I am speaking generally here, I know not everyone is like this and I know a lot of people that are EXTREMELY generous without even an inch of manipulation) that unless we are manipulated into a reaction, we won't do anything. I think this is very sad.

I think we shouldn't need to be manipulated into a reaction, and I don't think we need to be made aware of the presence of God. Isn't His presence always there in the first place? Why don't we acknowledge him there until after we have had a few songs to warm up? Why do we need to use the arts to help meet our own needs, when God has given us these gifts to glorify him? Shouldn't these gifts - music, drawing, dancing, painting, etc - be used to glorify God and not to help bring us closer to him?

I love the arts. I love using them in the church to express our relationship with God and draw us closer to Him and glorify Him. But, I always worry that instead of using it to glorify God I only use it to get what I need out of it. As if, if people cry that the presence of God is there and I was anointed that Sunday. It reassures me to see people react emotionally. And given our love for Pentecostal alter calls, I believe many pastors feel the same way.

I have the gift of making people cry I believe. Seriously, everytime I speak, everytime I do worship, everytime I make announcements(ok, that's not true, just sometimes), people cry. Even men cry (that's crazy, I know!)! Some Sundays I lead worship and honestly I know the songs will bring a reaction out of people. I honestly pick those songs because I know they will bring people to emotionnaly react. Isn't that terrible? Why am I so drawn by physical emotional reactions?

I have grown up in church where having 2-3 hour alter calls was a normal thing. But I have also been in so many of those services where I ask people who show physical emotional reaction what God is speaking to them or spoke to them through the message and they say, I don't know. I just feel like crying. I just can't stop crying. If God isn't speaking to you and you're just crying, then what's the point? I know you can find healing in the presence of God and sometimes just resting in Him is good, but I strongly believe that the kind of environment we create is what makes people "feel" like that. God can move in 20 minutes, so if he hasn't done anything by then... get over it. You're the one that is the problem. Not God. Crying for hours on end because of the soft music that is playing is not going to make things better.

Like I have said before, I long for an authentic move of the Spirit in my life and in our church. However, this longing means that I must NOT manipulate it. It should simply happen. And it might not happen as I want it too happen, or as you want it too happen. But, lets not try to recreate something that isn't real. Lets just be in the presence of God whether there is singing or quiet or blank screens or nice pictures. Lets react to what God tells us, not to what we feel.

Comments?

I'm forgetting

In the last two days I have forgotten many things it seems. I have no recollection of a whole conversation I have had with Jeremy yesterday. I just re-watched a 20 minutes video because I thought I had not watched it before. I forgot to put the cover back on the pie just a minute ago. I forgot until late last night that I had an appointment at the hospital this morning. And, I forgot what I went to the store for yesterday.

Seriously, where did my brain go? If it weren't for my To-Do list I would probably forget what I have to do too. There seems to be a lot of things going on and I'm trying to remember all the details for it all, however it seems to not be working so great for me. It's like I never have a chance to re-organize my brain and it's starting to catch up with me. I need two days off in a row. One to rest, one to organize/clean/file.

Speaking of cleaning, I have no more clean clothes and neither does Jeremy. My kitchen was almost clean and then I did apple pies last night (I also learned that it isn't a good idea to start making pies at 8:30pm - even if you're most productive time is at night). I think I might want to do some of that and get to sermon writing and phone call making and people meeting and marriage preparations and... and... and....

This is my confused and tired look...

and all I do is preach. Sure.

I am afraid

There are not many major things I am afraid of. I am not afraid of weird little critters crawling around my bed. I am not afraid of being found alone in a foreign city. I am not afraid of being attacked by strange men while walking in the woods. I am not afraid of the water or of flying. I am sure I could go on.

But, I am afraid of somethings. I am terrified of jelly-fish after a not so pleasant experience with one as a child. I am not fond of dogs. Sometimes they scare me. What really scares me though, is driving and being driven. It is strange because if there is something I have done a lot of in my life it is driving and being driven. I have driven through snow storms, rain storms, crazy warm days and some pretty cold ones. I have driven cars in all kinds of conditions... from gear sticks held in place with some elastic straps, some cars that had no heater or fan which meant driving on the highway with the window open early mornings to get to school, and my last car had a sticky gas pedal.

Despite the many kilometers covered in vehicles in my life, it has become more and more evident in the last few weeks that I am seriously scared of being in a car. I never realized the extent to which it scared me until one day after a drive home through some pretty nasty weather, my hand was sore from holding on to the handle in the car while Jeremy was driving us home. That is what I do when I am scared in the car, I hold the handle thingy - Africa taught me that.

When I was 16 or so, I was rear ended while driving. It scared me and hurt me (and my little sister and friend also). Then, a few years later it happened again when I was in Ethiopia. Nothing too serious, but it brought back everything I had finally started to get over. Then last winter I lost control of my car on the highway during a snow storm, made a 360 and ended up in the snow bank. That was enough for me. I don't think I could handle another crash.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to a kids program we are re-starting at a school about thirty minutes from here. The weather is kind of rainy, and foggy and my car has really bad lights (even though they've been changed). I should also add that our car hasn't really been fixed, we just took it back until Monday when we will exchange it for a nice new 2007 Corolla! (Hopefully having a reliable car will remove some of my fear) Anyway, on my way there I met a fog patch so thick that I could not see one meter in front of me. The thought that my car might break down in the middle of the road and someone might come behind me and not see me there only to run me over was enough for me to find the first drive way (the safest one too) and turn around.

I seriously get so scared at points that, it's not safe for me to be driving (ask Jeremy). I'm hoping that the new car gives me a new confidence - at least in the car if not in the weather - to be able to go out more than what I have been. But please, be patient with me when roads are iffy, if there might possibly in the slightest chance be black ice somewhere, if it is dark outside and it is raining, if there is fog and I cannot see where I am going. I am afraid! So much so that it makes everything in me tremble. Why? Because if you hit me and I get hurt, it hurts! If I slip off the road and cannot get out, I have no way of reaching anyone other than hoping someone shows up. If my car breaks down, I don't know what to do.

I know some people are brave and they don't care what kind of weather there is, they are good drivers! Good for them! I don't want to hear it. I'm scared! I'm terrified! I cry just thinking about it! I really don't like driving, especially winter driving. And yes, I told that to God before he sent me to Gaspé! So if you have a problem with me canceling winter events, take it up with Him. 

Prayer

I woke up this morning with a sens of peace. It should be a quite busy day giving I have to get ready for tomorrow's service, but still I have peace. And as I sit here, I am calm and relaxed and not worried at all about what tomorrow might bring. Hopefully this stays and doesn't mean that I'll be rushing to get things done later on tonight. I'm going to get to work in just a bit, so that shouldn't be the case.

Moments like these are moments when I know people are praying for me. I know a lot of people are constantly praying for me, but there have been moments like these in my life where I have stopped and realized, someone must be praying for me right now.

I received an email from another pastor this week telling me that he and his wife would be praying for me all month. What a blessing! I know that many others have been praying for me and I want to take this chance to say thank you. It really does make a difference!

I have always believed that the only thing that kept me close to God throughout my life has been my Father's prayers for me. And then, as a reminder, just last night as we were praying about the car situation, Jeremy prayed if they want us to have this new car, let them give it to us for this price. And, of course that is what happened! A miracle I must say!

So, never think that the smallest, most insignificant prayer is useless. God hears your cries, and he hears mine. Keep praying!

Keeping up.

I thought I would write to you, while I wait to go back to the garage to see what is really wrong with the car. Since the 3 hours we spent there yesterday apparently did not change anything to the car condition. Did I say, it's always my luck that this sort of thing happens. I can never just get things done once.

It has been one of those weeks... I know I have a lot of those lately. I promise my life really isn't all that bad, at times. But, as Jeremy says, you have to do something just to cope with what is going on even if it isn't all that bad. So, I'm writing about it.

Since Monday morning, waking up to a not so great feeling of, I have a ton of things to do today and I just want to sleep, then leaving home without my guitar and chords after spending two hours finding chords to Christmas music for our Bible Study 1:30 away from here to which someone else had to pick me up and drive me back because my car's been acting up. And that was only Monday which was followed by a very unproductive yet productive Tuesday or prayer and fasting. It's good to take time for that, I know it. But the list of things I normally get done on Tuesday was not done. And on Wednesday we spent the afternoon at the garage, after having taken some of the morning to prepare for a Bible study that was canceled due to bad weather. And today, is Thursday... which we just started the car to notice that it wasn't fixed after spending a bunch of money on it two days ago! So, back we go to the garage this afternoon and another day of nothing has been done. Tomorrow we go to the doctors, lets just hope the lack of time to get anything done will be worth it... and they don't tell me I've got some weird disease or anything strange again!

I have been feeling gross all week. I'm so tired and feel like I can't keep up with anything. The sun going down at 3pm is not making things better. It's December and there is so much to do. It's our first Christmas together and I want to decorate and make it special and what not. I want to take a day to bake with people. I want to go visit potential friends. I want to write great sermons about Jesus. I want to sing amazing songs and have great Christmas programs. But, I keep telling myself, maybe this full time ministry thing is too much for me to handle.

Because... I can't keep up. And it might be because I sleep in too much - I have seriously gotten better at it though, just perhaps not this week! Or it might be because I don't delegate enough. Or maybe I just don't realize how many things have to be done before they have to be done. Anyhow... my week is a mess. Of not very much accomplished.

And I feel bad. I feel like I'm letting God down. I feel like I'm letting the people here down. I feel like I'm letting myself down. I feel like I don't deserve the pay check this week. I really haven't done the work I'm supposed to do.

But why are we so pressed to get things done? As if next month it'll be too late to celebrate Jesus' birth? As if we don't do Bible study this week everyone is going to crumble and fall away from the Lord? Let's be honest, no one really feels like going to Bible study when the roads are possibly slippery anyways! When am I going to say that and believe it? Why do I feel like every week I need to add something and add something and add something? No wonder we burn out... but I believe my fear of burning out paralyzes me the minute I get tired. Is that possible?

Okay.. I'm ranting and I need to go back to the garage now. But, feel free to comment on this.. I finally fixed the comments thing on the blog. What do you think?

Six Months of Married Life

It is hard to believe that it has already been six months since our wedding day. Yet, at the same time, it kind of feels like there has been a lot going on since then. The move, the new job, the adjustment to spending every day together, the change of roles and responsibilities... it was all a little bit much at the same time. But it has been six good months of learning a lot!

Since most of our relationship before the wedding day was through phone, webcam, or emails, it has been interesting to get to know Jeremy face to face. We knew so much about each other because of the hours on end of talking to each other for a few years, but I have gotten to know how he lives out who he is on a daily basis in the last 6 months.

There is no doubt about it, he is an interesting and unique person. I knew this about him from the first debate we ever had in our Pentateuch course. And when he'd fall asleep on the phone at 4am cause I couldn't sleep, and then wake up at 5am to go to work I knew he was worth keeping. Even if he was a little strange at times and had ideas no one else had, I loved how he made me think about everything I said and thought. I loved how he was always honest with me, perhaps too much at times. I loved how he didn't try to be someone else, but was just so "raw". There is no pretending with him, he is who you see. But, what I truly loved about him was something most people never see. The heart behind the intellect.

I love that before I got to see him live every day, I got to see the heart behind who he is. I love that I know he cares more about people than any of us pretend to. I love that I know his relationship with God is more profound than all of our spiritual sounding songs and prayers. I love that I know that nothing in the world could shake what he believes to be true.

When you start getting to know a person based on what you see them do every day, the heart gets clouded by the routine. If I had spent the last 3 years being by Jeremy's side I would have known that he likes to eat Pizza Pockets, likes walking through church in his underwear (oh yah.. it's true!), plays a lot of video games, and types faster than anyone I've ever seen. But, I wouldn't have worked so hard at trying to understand this incredibly amazing man. Only by being miles away from him, for so long, did I work so hard at understanding who the man behind the mundane everyday Pizza Pocket eating, Starcraft playing, underwear walking man truly was. And trust me, I don't think I would have enjoyed the last six months so much if I didn't know what I know about him before hand. It really hasn't been all that easy. But being married to Jeremy is the best part of my life. He drives me crazy some days, but he keeps me sane most of the other days.

Weirdos

On Friday night, as I was on the couch watching TV and eating some popcorn with Jeremy some man showed up at our door looking for our prayer meeting. The minute I opened the door, I knew it was trouble.
The discussion went like this:

- man, "is there a pastor here?"
- me, "I am the pastor. Can I help you?"
- man, "Is there a man pastor here?"
- me, "no sir, I'm the pastor here, can I help you?"

He then went on to say how the people that had sent him here had told him about a prayer meeting on Friday nights at our church (which used to happen but has been changed for a few weeks now) and that they told him there was a pastor there. But, they didn't say anything about a woman pastor he said. And, apparently through this little visit he knew what he needed to know about our church and what happens here.

He said, "it's not for nothing I came here tonight. I got the information I needed. I go from church to church and when I see false doctrine in churches I need to correct them. Do you know if there was another prophet to which God revealed himself after the Old Testament? John the Baptist is the last prophet and his words need to be heard by all. I am here to make his words heard. When I see bad practices being taught in churches like women getting their hair cut and wearing jewelery, I have the duty to correct them. If they don't listen, God will punish them as he has punished all those that have chosen to not listen to my teachings before."

Let's just say, not the way you want to spend your Friday night. But, I live in a church. So people can find me, quite easily. Too easily. Anyway... I told the man that if he showed up at my church and tried correcting people that I wouldn't put up with that. So he better be ready for my reaction if he tries doing that. I told myself, he's just another weirdo wanting to cause trouble so I might as well get rid of him now.

As Sunday morning came around I thought for sure he would show up this morning. I warned the board members to be prepared if I kicked someone out this morning. Jeremy even wore his shoes in case he had to bring him outside. I was all ready in case this weirdo showed up.

Growing up in a pastor's home, I have seen my share of weirdos. We always called them like that - people who only look for trouble and think they know what is right. I have almost had my mind made up about how to react with these people. That you should always beware of them and not let them get a feet in the door or else they will attempt to run the show and take over everything.

But, being the doubter that I am, I have to ask myself if that is right? Seriously, should I have closed the door in the man's face or should I have invited him in? Should have I given him a chance to come to church and wait until he does something wrong to correct him? How would have Jesus reacted to him?

I really don't know the answer to this one. It is the conflict between good leadership and grace. Dealing with people is never easy. Dealing with weird people is even harder.

Friends...

I have never been one with many friends. I was not in the 'popular' group at school. I was not even in the 'reject' group for most years - or maybe I was and I didn't really know it. I was just kind of myself. I was the Christian kid, who always walked around with a huge instrument - in most cases a bassoon. Seriously, who plays the bassoon?! For a few years I tried fitting in, but it didn't really work anyway, so I stopped doing that. I wore what I wanted to wear, spoke when I wanted to speak, and joined in when I wanted to join in.

It wasn't easy. I probably have a lot of issues with people today due to my lack of normal relationships as a kid and teenager. I always felt like I was at least 10 years older than everyone else around me and in the back of my head I really wanted to have just one friend. One normal person that would understand me and that I could enjoy being with.

I have always wondered what friends were for. Keep me busy when I'm bored? Be there when I need to vent? Help me out when I need help? Just being there... what's the point of that? I remember one girl I was hanging out with telling me that we could almost be best friends now cause we had been spending a good deal of time together. I replied: «I don't have best friends». And that was the end of that.

I have always wondered why people want the nice people, the cool people, the normal people to be their friends. But, when someone is a little different, a little bit of an emotional mess, a little of an annoying person, than they don't want to be their friends. And anyone who is their friend must be strange too. Like, 'How can you be friends with them?!' type of thing.

But, what's the point of friends? Who did Jesus befriend? And why did Jesus have friends? Okay, he had his disciples, but if I remember they sure weren't the coolest people around before they became his disciples. And then he had all those sinners and that weird guy Zacchaeus. The point of his friendships was to help people grow and show them love. And in return he appreciated the company and he grew closer to them. He learned to appreciate them.

I'm tired of being looked at strangely because I don't try real hard at having friends. I'm tired of being accused of not being normal because my friends aren't always normal. What is normal, seriously? Because my friends that I do have, have been more faithful than other people that have come into my life. Have been more faithful than the friends I have tried to have from the other group.

Because I have tried. Tried to be normal. Tried to be in. I just don't fit there. Should I fit there? Why don't I fit there?

I have a friend. Well, I have two, but the other one is now my husband so he doesn't really count anymore. But, I have a friend who has been there throughout the years. Been there when I needed a place to sleep only to go visit other people. Been there when I needed to cry. Been there when I needed to get drunk and stopped me from it. Been there when I needed to vent, been there when I needed to laugh. I have a friend, and I love my friend. She might not be the most stable person on earth, she might not be the most socially acceptable person on earth neither. But I love her like that, because I'm not always stable, and I'm not always socially acceptable... and neither are YOU!

I don't know!

I have always been the kind of person that talks as if I know what I'm talking about no matter what it is I'm talking about. Most people ask me things and when I answer they believe what I say as if I always knew what the answer was. I don't know where I acquired this skill - or is it a skill? Skill or not, it turned out to be very practical in the role I play today.

It seems like being a pastor requires you to know how to do everything. You need to know how to prepare a service, preach, teach, do funerals, weddings, counsel people, work and fix sound gear, fix the computer and keep everything up to date, take care of children, youth, seniors, and on top of that take care of the maintenance of the building.

But, as I was painting the walls yesterday and pretended like I knew what had to be done, I realized it's not so good to pretend when it is very clear you don't know how to do it. And then when I met with people and heard of their situation I realized once again, I don't really know what to do here. And then when I came back home from Bible study after a 12 hour work day and saw that the roof (not the roof, the ceiling of the 2nd floor) was leaking, I realized once again that I don't really know what to do here.

Someone suggested I read a book on how to recruit volunteers. And I must say, I am an expert at that task. One thing I know how to do is delegate... but you still need to know what to do when you delegate to someone else. For example, they were waiting for me to give directions yesterday while we were painting. I say go and I say yes and I say no (pretend the Beatles are singing here). But, what about when I don't know what is the best thing to do?

I could be all spiritual and say God inspires me and tells me what to do and how to do it and that is why I know what to do. But, I'm not all that spiritual most of the time. I kind of pretend I know and people believe me and away we go.

But, what happens if in 3 years the roof collapses because I told them what to do but it wasn't the right thing to do? What if the people I agree to marry get divorced in a few years because I told them I knew what to do? What if the walls turn out ugly? What if the sound gear breaks down one day because I pretended all these years I knew what I was doing? What if teenagers turn out a total mess? What if kids never come back to Christ? What if husbands never change? What if the next pastor comes and says, "did she even do anything while she was here? What if....?

The pressure of being in this kind of situation makes my head spin. I need to know, I don't know, I pretend I know, I live in fear of failing. Too much stress for a 24 year old I must say. So what should I do? ..... I really don't know!

Days Like That...

Some days I lose it. Some weeks I lose it. Some times I just can't deal with all the questions in my head and so I must find a way to let it out. Most of the times, I end up taking it out on Jeremy. Not that he doesn't ask for it. But on days like that, you shouldn't ask for it. Just saying...

Some times, I have weeks like that. When all I feel like doing is sleeping. Should I feel guilty about it? Because I do... which makes those weeks the most annoying weeks I go through. But, it is often times the result of doubts never being answered, of over doing it for the last few weeks, and lack of vitamin D. 


Is it wrong, that I feel guilty to take care of myself? Is it wrong that I feel bad to answer the phone and say "yes, I was sleeping and it is 11am"? The problem with this job is it's lack of description. I feel like I do nothing, but I feel like I'm always doing something. The fact that I work from home makes it even worse. There is no days "off" unless I go out and don't come back for the whole day.


I wonder why other people can do what they do and not feel so overwhelmed. What is it about me that causes me to be so lazy, is what I ask myself all the time? But, am I truly lazy? Is that the problem? Or have I been lied to by all them peoples out there....


I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for relief. I'm just trying to understand.

Monday...

I just got back from my aqua-fit class, spent an extra few minutes in the sauna and now all I want to do it sleep. But, it's a busy Monday. Since I've been away for the last 3 Mondays basically, the house work has pilled up... literally... on my bedroom floor. I have way too much laundry to do, and I hate the fact that it is upstairs and I need to bring it downstairs and sort through it all and then bring it back upstairs to dry once it's washed. But, at least I don't have to drive to a laundromat and all that goes along with that.

Later on today we're going to get the winter tires put on the car and then we need to do groceries, cause Jeremy is really fed up with me only having soup to offer him for the last week. Oh, sometimes I wished he ate a bigger variety of stuff. Make my life easier to feed him leftovers.Ok.. so maybe 5 days of soup is enough to make anyone tired of it, but at least we have something to eat, right?

I'm tired, again. And tired means complaining. Maybe I should get my thyroid checked again. Speaking of which.. I need to make us a doctors appointment. Here's another think I wished. I wish Jeremy spoke French. Then he could call places, and go places without me. It doesn't bug me to do all of that for him because I do sympathize with him not speaking the language, but it's a lot to have to take care of everything.

I suppose it could be worse though, so I shall pick myself up, maybe get a cup of coffee and start filing up baskets of clothes upstairs!

Musings on hills, visits and denominations...

I don't know why, but my coffee is always so good on Friday mornings. Either I am really tired, or there is just something about Friday that makes me enjoy life more. Perhaps it's the fact that it's the first evening I get to spend with my husband of the week! It's been a busy week of Bible study, Bible study, and Bible study. But I decided that I wasn't writing a post to complain about the busyness of life today. Aren't you happy? So am I!

So, I'm not sure what I am writing about today. I just feel like writing. Today is sermon day, so I am searching for some kind of inspiration. The sun has been out for the last 2 days, and it's been a really enjoyable thing. Yesterday I finally went out for a walk up the hill on which we live. I have been wanting to go for a while, but I always convince myself that I need to get used to doing the little hills before I get to that one. If you don't know, Gaspe is built on a mountain basically. Where we live there is two options for walking, go downhill and then uphill or uphill and then downhill. Jeremy has been going up the hill for quite some time now, he even does it 3 times a day usually. So, yesterday I finally decided that I had to just push myself and go. Now... lets hope I continue doing it until I can do it three times also!

On another note, yesterday we went to visit some friends of friends of ours that live in Gaspe. A nice couple and their daughter that are a part of another denominations of Christians in town. It was nice to get to know them and spend some time getting to know people outside of our own little church circle.

Part of the discussion revolved around denominations and the problems they have working together. I have always been someone who understands the need for denominations, as opposed to most people believing we should be non-denominational. I think it is important that people have a place where they can agree on aspects of the faith which aren't necessarily foundational to the Gospel message so that we don't spend all our time trying to argue who is right in things that aren't foundational. I do believe, however, that we must learn to respect each other and work together in the midst of those differences because our primary goal is to reach people with the Gospel. And whether our church, or another church grows, as long as The Church (in the real sense of the word) grows, we are building the kingdom of God. Isn't that what is important?  

One of my challenges however is to be purely Pentecostal. I have seen so much abuse and exaggeration within the Pentecostal circle that it scares me to associate myself with them at times. When the guitar salesman asked us the other day what denomination we worked for, I hesitated before mentioning I was Pentecostal. I do believe there are some good things that are true and important for our faith within Pentecostalism, but often times I wonder why we have to push it so much. I worked with a pastor once who said that it was worthless to spend time doing ecumenical services because the Holy Spirit wouldn't be able to move. Yet I have seen Presbyterians, Anglicans, even Catholics be truly authentic in the move of the Holy Spirit in a way you would not expect to see. I just love the idea that those who aren't pushed to pursue such a move, live it. It makes it real because you know it isn't something they are expected to live. It really is the Holy Spirit because it isn't something they would look for by themselves.

I long for the day when I see and live an authentic move of the Holy Spirit that doesn't scare people away, doesn't make kids run away, doesn't involve flesh, doesn't involve exaggeration. Something that builds The Church, produces fruit that lasts, and that doesn't go away.

A Productive Tuesday

I can finally see the top of my desk and even both bookshelves! I love days where I get things crossed off of my to-do list and see the stress level go down. Sometimes I forget that just getting down to it and putting in the extra effort to get things done helps to see clearer at the end of the day. There is still a lot of work to do, but it doesn't seem so overwhelming.

I was praying a little while ago and as I was thinking of all the administrative stuff that needs to be looked after, I realized that I forget to ask God to help me and guide me even in those steps. I forget that he takes care of making sure we have enough money to do all that has to be done. I forget that he places the people with the skills to fix the building in front of us. I forget that he knows what needs to be done today, and what needs to be done next year. I forget to trust him in stuff that I see as "non-spiritual".

But seriously, God is in all of that. I don't need to worry. I need to seek him. I need to walk close to him. I need to listen to Him. And it's all going to be alright.

Just as an example, I opened the church front door today and lying there was a fifty dollar bill. No envelope, no note, no nothing... Just a lonesome $50 bill. It almost looked like it flew right there and was waiting for me on this snowy rainy windy (it's always windy here) day. I don't know if someone lost it (if you did, let me know and my seeing God at work will be all messed up - unless you really need it that is!), or if someone put it there for something, or what happened to it. But, there it was.

Now, if I could only get this Bible study ready for tonight...

Planning On a Sunday Night

I have had so many things to write about lately, but I just haven't had a chance to get down and write them. I've lost my grandmother, I've gone to conference, I've participated in helping to officiate my first wedding, and I've seen the challenges of being a woman in ministry... but, alas, maybe you'll hear about it one day.

Have you already felt like you are in over your head? Like there is no end to the piles of papers on your desk, or the task list that has all turned red from being due yesterday. I wanted to take a picture and show you what my office looks like right now, but I couldn't find my battery charger and it is dead. I guess this in itself explains how much of a mess it is.

I hate working in a dis-organized space. I'm the kind of person that loves filing and having things placed in its spot and ever since we've changed the shelves in my office, I haven't had a chance to get to the organizing of it yet. I need baskets, stickers, and  time to do all the paper work that needs to be done. But, time hasn't been much of a surplus around here lately.

We were away at conference last week, and as much as I loved being with friends and not thinking about what had to be done it made me realize all the work that does come with the "senior" pastor role. Planning the budget for next year, looking into the building maintenance, getting the ministries running and supervising them all, forming leaders, etc... I am grateful that I have a lot of help to do these things and great people to work with, but I guess it didn't click how much work it all involved. Hopefully it just all comes together and as I focus on one thing at a time, things that need to be done will get done.

It's Sunday evening and I'm exhausted. I know it's not a good thing to work on Sunday night, (especially since I don't have my usual Monday off tomorrow) but I'm glad I planned out my week and took the stress of trying to remember everything off of my shoulders. Now I can enjoy my cup of coffee tomorrow morning (good coffee thanks to coming home to a fresh can in the apartment last Thursday! Thanks Judy and Lorelei!) and my aqua-fit classes tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'll even be able to enjoy a bit of time in the sauna before I get back to the rest of this busy week.

Time Management and Thanksgiving

It is Friday morning and I have for some reason a really good cup of coffee compared to my usual. We have been living on a budget, and so I haven't had enough money left in the last few weeks to buy a new can of coffee that doesn't taste awful. But, this morning I decided to use my left over coffee from my camping gear, and it has convinced me that I NEED to buy a new can of coffee. Or else, I suppose I could use the churches can that has been put in my basement freezer. But, would that be considered stealing? It is for church purposes I suppose if I use it to be able to wake up and get to work in the mornings. I'll have to think about that some more... or maybe someone will be generous and drop us off a can of good coffee. Lately those prayers have been answered. I have a stage on the other side of my living room door, filled with jams, potatoes, onions, carrots, rutabaga, and trees. It's a pretty sight to see!

It seems so much has been going on in the last few weeks, but I haven't taken the time to really stop and think about it. Last weekend we had a Thanksgiving pot-luck/service at the church. We had a full crowd and lots of food! I preached a bilingual sermon... translating myself is an art in itself I must say! And then I completely forgot that I wanted to let people share a testimony and jumped straight to the food. I must have been hungry or something. Then after the service we rushed everyone to clean up, packed our bags and drove to my parent's house to join my brother, his fiancee and my younger sister for a nice Thanksgiving day. I had not seen my sister since the wedding, and so even though it was only for a few hours I was glad to be able to be with her.

One of the things about ministry is that you never get those long weekends. You never get those extra days off that let you go away for the weekend, and getting a day off only means you have less time to do everything that has to be done before the next Sunday comes along. And yes, we do more than just prepare a sermon. I find it hard to get used to all the responsibilities I have and manage my time properly. I started 2 weeks ago to really make a plan that would help me to manage my time better and make sure I did blocks of work on this and that at different times throughout the week. If it has helped to put more visitation time in my schedule, that is about it. I find myself constantly distracted or interrupted during those other moments when I am supposed to be focusing on something else.

The problem with bad time management is that I get overwhelmed when at the end of the week I have loads of things to do and not enough time to do it. And if you know me at all, when I get overwhelmed, I get very emotional and I tend to complain a lot. The thing is, I like what I do and I love being able to invest in people's lives, but I just feel like there is so much to be done and no end to it. My "get it done" attitude, is really hard to deal with while working with people who never get to where they are supposed to be. And so, I spend a lot of time complaining... sometimes. I wish I didn't, but I do. Hopefully one day that will change.

But I am thankful. I am thankful that I have this job and thankful that I have a church that trusted me enough to allow me to be their pastor. I am thankful that I have a roof and that even though it's a little cold in here, I am not living outside. I am thankful that I always live in one of the most beautiful places in the world even though they are far away and isolated. I am thankful that I have a family that loves me and cares for me and that I enjoy being around. I am thankful for parents that have invested in my life and taught me what I know today. I am thankful for a husband who sticks by when I get tired and emotional and who loves me enough to let me be who God made me to be. And I am thankful that I am able to spend my life in service to God - because investing in anything else than the Kingdom of God is, I believe, useless.

I know I am a little late with Thanksgiving being last week already, but I'm not the conventional do it at the right day kind of person anyway. So here is to my day of being thankful! :)

Adventures of a Lifetime

This week has been a week of running the roads quite a bit. Once a month we have a Bible Study in a home about an hour and a half away from here, and we also had a ministerial meeting for our region which just happens to be four hours away! So, in two days I drove about eleven hours - something I used to do quite often in the past, but which I am not very fond of all that much anymore. (maybe if I had a better car I wouldn't mind it so much though)

Most of my life I have been called an adventurous person. I first left home at 14 for a summer to go babysit my cousin in Montreal. I took the train a few times to go meet some friends in Montreal for a couple of weeks. I lived in Quebec city one summer working for Young Canada Works. I used to go on trips almost every weekends with friends and family. Traveling was one of my favorite things to do.

My first year of College I went across the country to Abbotsford, BC and didn't come back until the following May. We finished that year off with a trip to the Czech Republic for 3 weeks and when we got back home I was in the works to raise enough money to go spend 3 months in Ethiopia. By the time I was 20, I had done most of my life dreams - all except being married and having kids. (I told you I was a get it done kind of person!) Looking back on it now, I don't know why I was in such a rush to try and get everything done so soon.

I just recently have tried to compare my life experience to that of others in terms of years and have realized how the 24 years that I have been alive really do not even form the majority of what some people have lived. I keep thinking my life is full of adventures, twists, turns and all; but, then I put it in comparison to someone who has been alive for 65 years and I wonder what I will have to say when I am there.

The reason why I have tried doing this is simply because most people to whom I do ministry are, well lets just say older than me. I have been told that it will require a lot of effort on my part (and patience) to try and understand where people come from given my age. I also have to be careful how I express myself since my 24 years of experience are nothing compared to that of others. I do want to be respectful, understanding and even appreciative of the wealth in history that people bring to the church and because of that it is important for me to try and imagine how much of that they really have. For some reason, I think that in order to realize this, I have to not only see the person as a 45 year old person or more... I have to think like a 45 year old person. So, this is my attempt at it.

I'm looking forward to the new and numerous experiences still to come in my life, but I am learning to let them come as they do. I have many years to live all kinds of new adventures and if I never have the chance to live them, I can learn from those who did.

Sermon writing

Let's be honest here, I've been walking around the house for quite a while now, instead of getting to work on my sermon for Sunday. Hey, I even baked muffins and picked up the living room. I would like to be all spiritual with you and tell you that every week God absolutely inspires me and I know exactly what to preach and it just flows all naturally. Truth is, doesn't happen that way for me. Some weeks it does! Most weeks, it does not. I usually have a theme or a verse or a general idea, but when it comes to putting it down on paper, I end up fighting with myself to type it out.

Which brings me to my next point. You know those people who can write 2-3 verses down and then stand in front of a church and preach for 30 minutes... how do they do it? I have a hard enough time finding things to say to people in general conversation for more than 5 minutes, never mind coming up with a whole sermon unprepared. I have been taught that a good sermon requires at least a good 8-10 hours of preparation. Some people even say that you should spend one hour per minute of speaking. (that's impossible unless sermon prep is all you do in a week!) I like to think that normally I put in quite a bit of work into my sermons and I believe that it is very important to come prepared if I am going to have the opportunity to share about God and have complete attention from people for 25 minutes week after week. However, I'd like it if I could have the same kind of depth in a sermon with the 5-20 minutes preparation it takes to write down 2-3 verses on a piece of paper.

I was talking with people yesterday about this. And, to be honest, while the girl (here's to you Melissa) who writes down 2-3 verses was explaining how easy she finds it to come up with a sermon that people remember even after a number of years, I got a little jealous. I then attempted to prove why I needed to spend more time in preparation and try to show why my sermons had to be more profound because of the crowd I was preaching to. While all of this was happening, I was fighting with myself to stop trying to prove I was better and let it go. The battle with pride is such a hard one to fight...

And so I wonder, maybe pride is one of the reasons why writing my sermons is so hard. You see, I want to write something that sounds good, that is deep, that is going to change people, that is going to inspire them to leave the place and be amazing witnesses for Christ. That is so much pressure on my shoulders for one sermon! I constantly fight with my pride when writing. I forget that it is not what I say that changes people, it is the living Word of God that changes people. Perhaps if I focused on that instead of on sounding amazing, writing would come easier. But... as I said, it's a constant battle.

random thoughts of the day...

It appears this blogging thing is not my first priority as it has been put off in the last few weeks. I suppose that is a good thing - because I would have to question myself if blogging was more important than everything else in my life. Especially since it often time feels like I am writing about myself so much and what is going on in my life - you know the "I HAVE to let people know everything I am doing" feeling. Not my first priority - phew! Now I feel releaved to write this post.

So, it is Friday afternoon, and to be honest I have not had that busy of a week. Jeremy's parents left on Wednesday, and I have done quite a bit of administrative work the rest of the week. After years of putting together worship binders for others, I decided it was time that I got my own done. So I went through my bag of sheet music and what not and categorized them, punched holes in them and put them in my pretty new white binder. I find this strange satisfaction from organizing stuff. I don't do it very often, but when I do.. oh I love the feeling of accomplishment. Yes, I am one of those persons that makes lists just to be able to cross things off of it when they are done. I LOVE getting things done!

Speaking of getting things done, check out my new bookshelf that my father-in-law took apart from the dungeon office in the basement and put into mine. It needs painting and re-organizing, but I'm excited that my office looks semi-professional. Minus the planet boarder and the yellow walls... that will change eventually. 

On another note, I have discovered that I am extremely bothered by people who are not honest with themselves and with others. You know that feeling when people are talking to you and you know they are lying; but, what can you do? I have not really thoughts about it much yet, but I am hoping to try to discover why it is I am bothered so much with dishonesty. I just wish people would know that it is okay for you to tell me straight up how you feel. I am strong enough to take it and even if I crumble at the thought of it, I will get over it. Just tell me the truth, please.

I have also discovered that I am a minority. (I made myself laugh there...) I am a woman, senior pastor, and young. Seriously, is there anyone else out there in my position? When I get into groups of pastors, it hits me more than ever. I am always the odd one out. I have always been and I am not bothered by it, but I wonder why. Why isn't there any other people in my shoes? I'm just a normal person and I'm not even all that spiritual, or mature, or whatever you would like to call it. So, why me?

Just a few of my thoughts for the day. We have a mission team in this weekend and so I get to go to the Catholic Church tomorrow for a worship service they are putting on there. I am so excited to do something outside of our church! They're also doing our French service here. Hopefully everything goes well.

To end, enjoy some of the beautiful scenery from this gorgeous city! :)

In-laws and Jesus

Jeremy's parents have been with us for the last few days, and it has been great to have them around. They are great people and I am so lucky to have them as my in-laws! My mother in law and I have tested out my bread machine and figured out that it doesn't work that great when trying to bake bread in the machine itself. But, we did manage to get two yummy loaves cooked in the oven. My father in law has changed most of the old plug-ins in the house, taken down my air conditioner from the window upstairs, and took us to get my slow leek in my tire fixed "again". (I think I need new tires and rims; but a new car altogether would be nice. Just make sure it's bought IN Quebec). Now that most of the house work has been done, I'm praying that the sun comes out so that we can show them around this beautiful place we live in. (No, I didn't plan it that way!)

Although this week has been very nice, I have truly felt like I have been in the middle of a battle, spiritually. Some weeks ministry is harder than others. Some weeks people aren't exactly pleased with you. Some weeks you have to make decisions that are hard to make. I know it is part of the job: but seriously, does anyone like to be rejected and accused?

I suppose you'll answer, well Jesus was like that and so it comes back to my 'gah.. being like Jesus again!' I know I know...

So, if you are out there and reading this. Pray for me. Because, I need it. This battle is hard to fight and some weeks I don't feel strong enough to do it. This is one of those weeks.

Being a Wife

Mondays are the days I stop being a pastor and become a wife. Not that both roles can't coincide, but it's sometimes hard to do both at the same time. I suppose this is also influenced by my ideal vision of what a wife should do. I might be a little traditional in this idea that a wife cooks and cleans and takes care of the babies. When I'm on the phone, doing paper work, studying, out doing visitations...  my house usually looks like a mess, my meals aren't all that appetizing, and lets just say it's a good thing I don't have babies yet.

Jeremy has been quite good with it. After spending the day in Matane last week for district meetings, I came home to a spotless house that needed some serious cleaning. He's been a great help! But, in all honesty, I cannot wait for the day when I'm a stay at home mom. Circumstances in our life have lead us to be in the place we are now - where I have to work and Jeremy fills the 'pastor's wife' role; but, I have no opposition to it changing one day. Understand that I know I'm blessed to have this job where I can actually be flexible enough to work from home, or from the beach, or bake a meal as I prepare my sermon. It's a blessing to have a job - period!

But, seriously, how do families where both parents work full-time actually do it? Anyway.. side note!

Back to today. Today was a day of cleaning and preparing for the visit of the in-laws! Jeremy's parents are coming tomorrow and so we have been scrubbing and dusting and organizing stuff most of the day. My clothes line was full. (My clothes line needs some serious fixing as it drags my clothes through the bushes we have because it's too lose! Another thing on the to do list.) We also tried fitting a massive King size foam into one of our tiny bedrooms upstairs. After some re-organizing we succeeded only to realize that finding sheets and blankets big enough would be another story. We'll see how things turn out tomorrow I suppose.

Jeremy also put up our new Quebec license plate that after spending over 700$ in inspections and worthless inspections and replacing breaks (cause this city is built on a mountain!) and traveling to this garage and that garage and dealing on the phone with a bunch of ..... anyway! Let me tell you that the "Je me souviens" (I remember) written on the plate is going to make me recall this complicated annoying experience every time I see it. Not my fondest moment of Quebec. The challenges of culture shock - you think you're moving to another country or something!

But, after our full day, I cooked us some fish and we sat down to watch Master Chef New Zealand together! I was so excited to finally succeed at cooking fish without over cooking and butchering it! Jeremy's favorite meal is fish (and trust me, there aren't many things Jeremy likes so I better do it good). But, the first time I tried cooking it I completely massacred the thing. I've never been a terrible cook, but I guess I've never really been pushed to cook outside of what I normally like to do. There's another place where I have got some learning to do and that's where Master Chef comes in. We love watching those competitive cooking shows: Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, Master Chef, etc...

It's so nice to have a day a week just to be a couple. As we were doing the dishes together today, I was thinking to myself how much I enjoy having someone to spend my days with. Someone that listens to me ramble and complain about this and that. Someone who helps me mop the floors and dry the dishes. This being married thing has been a big adjustment in my life - to be honest again; and the more I get used to it the more I love it! I love being a wife!

Sundays...

The biggest day of the week for me is always Sunday. Leading a bilingual church means we have an English service at 9:00 and a French one at 11:00. From 8:30 to 1:00 I'm fully in my element. The weeks - like this week - that I don't need to lead worship on top of preaching twice make it a lot easier and less exhausting. But, usually I end up crashing Sunday afternoon for a few hours. I don't know why, but preaching takes so much out of me. I don't know if it is because my heart is fully involved in what I try to share, if it's the spiritual battle that comes with it, or if it just takes a lot of energy. All I know is when I'm done my brain turns off.

Leading a bilingual church comes with quite a few challenges I have discovered. It truly feels like I have two different churches. They are distinct in culture, traditions, challenges and directions. I have yet to discover the proper way to deal with the challenges of pastoring one church of two congregations.

Take this morning, for example. I normally preach the same sermon that I have translated from English to French. My sermon this morning really could take a few different twists depending on where I decided to place the emphasis. After leading the English service in one direction, I got to the French one and discovered that the people in that service where at a totally different place than the English people. On the spot adjusting was definitely necessary... (Why I hadn't thought about it while I was writing it escapes me.... something else to work on!)

Every week I seem to learn something new. I wonder if I will ever have it all together one of these days. I look at people that have been pastors for some 30 years and sometimes I wonder what they would do if they were where I am today. A lot of them have told me that I shouldn't change anything for a number of months, if not years. But, I find it difficult to be myself in pastoring this church without bringing my own touches to it. How can I be the leader God has made me to be, while doing things that others have done for a number of years? I know there is a reason why things have been done one way and I really try hard to understand and respect why things are done this way. I have a great respect for history and traditions, but at the same time I find it difficult to let go of my ideas, my wants, my ways.

I remember a few weeks ago waking up and journaling some thoughts (one of those nights I couldn't sleep). I was frustrated and did not want to let go of what I wanted. I wrote,

Why am I sent here, to such a place? [...] Pick someone stronger God. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be the cause of conflicts. I don't want to be to blame. I don't want to be like You... It's too humiliating and degrading. It's too Christ-like.

 If you know me at all, you know I believe in transparency and authenticity in my life. I have spent so many years being fake and I believe it isn't a strength to pretend like everything around is going well. I'd rather be honest even though it might make me look like a mess sometimes. So, that night journaling was me pouring my honest heart out to God. But, He didn't leave it there. As soon as I finished writing, God gave me the passage in Philippians 2: 5-8 which says,

 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus; who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant, being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.

 I have so much left to learn...

Some background info on the last few months

At the end of December, I moved back home from doing my internship in Glace Bay, NS. I was exhausted and burnt out from having done ministry and full-time school for the last 3 years and needed a break. I moved into my parents basement for a few months to hide and recuperate while I wondered where I would end up next. I had a wedding to plan and time to look for a direction for after the wedding.

In March, I decided I would send my resume out to a few churches to see what would come out of it. It didn't take long for the church of Gaspé to get back to me and ask that I come up to spend a week so they would get to know me a little. I came up for a week. Preached four times in two different languages, did hospital visitations (since one of the leaders from the church had been hospitalized for heart problems the second day I got here), led Bible studies and prayer meetings. It was a busy week - which told me how busy I would be if I ended up coming here for real. And then I went back home and waited....

And waited... People around kept asking, so where are Jeremy and you going to be moving after the wedding? I'd gently reply, 'We're still working on it. I know we're getting married in a few weeks, but it will come together.'

At the end of April, while I was on my way to Toronto for my graduation, I finally heard from the church that they wanted Jeremy and I to come up for an official interview. Since Jeremy would only be coming to New Brunswick early May, the interview had to be schedule for... yep, you guessed it, the weekend before the wedding! During that time I rushed to get my credential application in, got squeezed in for an interview for those, and worked on the finishing touches of the wedding.

May 21st finally came along, and Jeremy and I drove up to Gaspé to have a couple hours interview with the board. For 30 minutes of this interview Jeremy was with us upstairs, and for the other three hours, he hid in the basement watching the spiders eat centipedes. I couldn't believe they had us come the week before our wedding just for 30 minutes worth of question. But, that is how it works. On May 26th we heard back from the board saying that they wanted us to come back to be presented to the church on June 13th.

May 29th came along and we finally got married! It was a beautiful day exactly as I pictured it to be. The decor, the weather, the people, the food, the everything was perfect! I loved every minute of it and enjoyed the day to it's fullest.

After the wedding we packed our car with all of our camping gear, suitcases and gift baskets and went to Pokemouche for a week where we had a most beautiful little cottage. After that week we roamed around a bit trying to spend the less amount of time in my parent's basement considering we were now homeless.

On June 13th the church voted me in as their new senior pastor unanimously and on July 1st we packed up all our stuff and moved to the little apartment in the back of the church that we now call home. It's been some crazy few months and the journey to get here has asked a lot of patience and perseverance on our part. But, God did not make me to be a stubborn person for nothing.

There's a start to everything...

I have been thinking about starting one of these for a while now. I find myself, a few days a week, thinking that the adventures I face in my days are worth being written down in case someone else ever finds themselves in such a place. But, the only time I usually journal  is when I have been laying in bed for hours and need to get what is on my mind off of it. "In that sense", I don't know how long this will last for me. But maybe the thought that out there, there is another young, newly married, living at the end of the world, woman, pastor that might need to hear the stories someone else living in the same situation has to say will help me continue. So, here is my first attempt at finding a spot to share with the world what goes on in my crazy, imperfect, filled with grace, life.